Boom Bye Bye: The Closet Is Full, The Gays Are Coming Out!

“Boom Bye Bye” is the title of a very popular song by reggae artist Buju Banton. It makes reference to the placement of a small piece of metal at very high velocity in the heads of men who find pleasure in the posterior of other men. It expresses very artistically Jamaica’s general opposition to homosexuality.

These are the last days, the closet is now full and they are bursting out. I wish I was making reference to clothing or the rotting skeletons in Eminem’s closet. Unfortunately, I make reference to the “the mud men”, “the strange men”, “the chi-chi men”, “dem bwoy deh”, “the gays”. No longer are they confined to the dark corners or the gullies, no longer do they remain silent in fear for their lives, they are bolder now. Bold enough to fight for their rights, bold enough to publicly express themselves, bold enough, to pull Portia’s tongue! Their reach is endless, they are everywhere!

For years I have wondered: Is homosexuality a sickness, or is it a choice? Is it a mental or genetic defect or is it a conscious decision? Can it be cured? The world is becoming overpopulated; is it nature’s way of controlling the population’s size? I have not been able to find an answer. Either way I believe sexual relations and marriages should be confined to a male and a female, the way God intended.

In such an anti-gay society, while majority of the residents are still very much opposed to the lifestyle, I have observed that the level of tolerance for homosexuality has increased. Back when I was in high school, there was an alleged homosexual in my class. In the first year of his enrollment at my school, he was attacked by the seniors with knives. His life was their aim but thankfully he survived the attack unharmed. There was another case more recently at The University of Technology where two males were caught making the beast with two backs roar. One was badly beaten by security. Now I see them everywhere on campus, not harmed, not attacked. This is a good thing, and while I oppose the lifestyle, I am happy about that. We do not have the right to harm anyone because of their beliefs, they should not be discriminated against or treated unfairly.

My big problem however is its impact on the younger ones and the negative influences it may have on them. We all know the recent case where the acceptance of homosexuality and the varying forms of sex was being taught to young children. I think that responsibility should rest as much as possible on the shoulders of the parents.

It took a long time for me to realize how pronounced homosexuality is in Jamaica. A very disturbing thing happened to me just now which influenced me to write this. I am all about networking, I find great value in meeting new people and engaging them as networking enhances the proliferation of businesses. A gentleman sent me a facebook friend request. We had a few mutual friends so I thought why not accept. Just one more person to whom I may send my links. Unfortunately, a funny thing happened. He sent me a message. No problem, I responded. He didn’t stop there he sent more day after day. I ignored them, giving him the benefit of the doubt. I took some screen shots and showed them to a friend and to her it was so clear that this guy was not okay. See the message thread below:

Ok cool.
Ok cool.
mmh...Very fishy
mmh…Very fishy…no such plans were made so I assumed he sent that by accident
Nope.. Batty Bwoy ....Delete
Nope.. Something not right here! ….Delete

After the last message I asked him if he is gay. He did not answer. What do you think? Am I being paranoid? I clicked on his profile and realized he is a married man with children so probably I’m wrong, I hope I am. If I am not, why would he send ME of all persons those messages, the guy so straight that he’s brittle, the guys so straight you’d think he’s constantly planking, why me? This world is a scary place.

Finally I’m going to leave this text with you, please search and read it for yourself: Leviticus 18:22

– Aldeam Facey 2015

How to React When an Unmarried Church Sister Gets Pregnant

Pi squared plus the cube root of tan minus the hypotenuse of… Ok scratch that, there is no formula for the quantification of sin. No hierarchal structure segregating the various transgressions. There are no uptown sins or downtown sins, no sophisticated sins or ghetto sins. Sin a sin! No sin is greater than the other and we are not qualified to cast the first or second stone simply because we sin differently.

So a church sister gets pregnant. Yes, it may be a little surprising at first, you are wondering “Should I say congratulations or should I say oops?” Well here is a list of what not to say and what you may:

What NOT to say

“The blood is against you” 

Who gave you the power to put any blood against anyone?

“OMG what happened?” 

Please don’t ask such stupid questions, you know what happened. The penis entered the vagina several times until the… What am I doing? You know what happened.

“Quickly! Get married now!”

Shotgun marriages are things of the past. Don’t force people to get married, especially with the high divorce rate.

“So, you found out how the water walked to the pumpkin’s belly”

If you say this then you are an old 80 year old woman who has never had a spouse all her life and thrives on the mistakes of the young.

“Was it an accident?”

-_- yea, she just tripped and fell right into pregnancy. Again, don’t ask stupid questions.

What You May Say

“Congrats”

Children are blessings from God. Be very thankful especially for a successful birth!

“Is it a boy or a girl”

Express ‘GENUINE’ interest in the baby. Let the couple know you care.

“Is everything okay? Do you need anything?”

Offer assistance where possible.

“Can I be the Godfather/mother?”

Again offer assistance if needed.

And finally, ensure you invite your sister to church. She may be a little embarrassed, but be there to provide encouragement. Spiritual help is needed more than anything to bring comfort.

Sexual temptation is a very powerful thing and as a young man I find significant contrast between the desires of the ‘flesh’ and that of the ‘spirit’.

Flesh vs spirit (A - Facey 2013)

Whenever I see a young lady with a waist hip ratio of 0.6, a concentration of adipocytes around and over her gluteus maximus, who walks as if her spine is permanently concave, quite often my bulbospongiosus muscle does not refrain from contracting itself. So I know too well the difficulties associated with temptation. Without spiritual help, how will we overcome? Humans are not perfect, but thanks to grace its perfectly okay not to be, as we aim to be the best we can. Sexual sins, like lying, stealing and coveting the possessions of others are all opposed by God. It is therefore not fair to judge simply because an individual’s sin has been made obvious, remember God knows our every thought.

Let us encourage and assist each other to avoid sin in all its forms. Pray for the guidance of the holy spirit to direct our every actions and decisions as we recognize that alone, without God, we may do nothing.

– Aldeam Facey 2015

Jamaican Sweet Potato Pudding Recipe

“Fire a top, fire a bottom and hallelujah inna di middle”. I’m sure you have heard that before and you know exactly what I’m talking about. It is the traditional method used to make one of Jamaica’s favorite pastries, sweet potato pudding, using a coal fire above and below the pudding to enable a quick and thorough cooking. I used to look forward to my granny’s sweet potato pudding after church, or my mother’s on a Sunday evening. My mother makes it with that sweet jelly layer on top that very few have been able to duplicate (patent pending ;)).

Many of us may not have the resources needed to make sweet potato pudding using the traditional technique but I’ll share with you the method I use. Sweet potato pudding with a modern twist, while maintaining that rich flavor.

Ingredients (this makes one 9 in pudding)

1 lb Sweet Potato (grated)

1/2 lb Flour

1/2 lb Cornmeal

1/2 lb Sugar

1 Sachet Maggie coconut milk (or one coconut – preferred)

1 Nutmeg

2 1/2 ml (1/2 teaspoon) Vanilla

1/2 teaspoon Cinnamon powder or extract

1/2 teaspoon grated Ginger

1/2 teaspoon Chiffon butter

A “toops” of salt

Directions

Peel and grate the sweet potato.

Grated sweet potato

Add the flour, cornmeal and sugar then mix. Mix the sachet of coconut milk slowly by adding a small volume of water to make a thick cream then adding increasing volumes of water up to about 250 ml (a little over a cup full). Add 2 pinches of salt (none if you are hypertensive), add the grated ginger, cinnamon, vanilla and about 1/3 of a grated nutmeg. Add the butter (melted) and mix well. Some persons add rum and or raisins to their pudding, you may if you chose. Allow the ingredients to get to know each other for about 10-15 minutes.

Sweet potato pudding mix

Pour into a 9″ baking tin and bake at 375 degrees Fahrenheit (190 degrees Celsius) for 1 hour 45 minutes (give or take). I use a toaster oven because i’m just a poor boy (you may purchase 1 at Mega Mart for less than 5k) but a gas stove or electric stove works just as well.

Toaster Oven

Allow it to cool for about 1 1/2 hours. It smells so good! Enjoy and share with friends and family.

Hallelujah

I really enjoyed this one. So much so, I shared it with everyone (via facebook)I couldn't wait for it to cool.

Feel free to let me know how yours turned out.

– Aldeam Facey

Close Your Doors: The Jehovah’s Witnesses are Coming!

Slowly and humbly they walk towards your house, fully equipped with the resources needed to challenge, to attack, to convert or to aggravate. Looking towards you they present a pleasant smile, you know they are coming for you, to take you out of ‘darkness’ into their everlasting light. A light so blinding you may have to turn your face away. Having such sensitive eyes you are compelled to run inside, close the doors and shade yourself. Am I the only guilty one? Am I the disrespectful one? Do you open doors, inviting entry as the Saints approach?

Witnessing

I’ve had several encounters with the witnesses, they always seem to catch me in the act. I cannot claim to be innocent, my claims will not stand up in court on the judgment day.

As a Christian myself I admire the persistence of the Witnesses. They are working very hard to secure a space in the book of life when the roll is called up yonder. If every Christian denomination was as determined, Jamaica would be the land of the converted.

My issues with this faithful group, are the doctrines they proclaim to be gospel. We worship the same God, love our brothers just the same but why make such a significant effort to convert others if you believe the final train can only accommodate 144,000? I don’t believe God has a ‘loada man’ who will force us to lap-up.It is very interesting to note that based on their beliefs the “Kingdom” cannot accommodate “Hall” of its members given that the membership of the church far exceeds 144,000.

Over the past 7 months I had two relatives admitted to the hospital who both needed blood transfusions during surgery. On two occasions I donated what appears to be a gallon of blood. I may have exaggerated just a bit there. But accepting their beliefs would mean allowing my relatives to wait a longer period for donations and who knows what could have happened. Would that be acceptable? And how do you, using scriptures, justify the act?

They alway seem happy to have an argument with me about various topics. I used to take note of the shuffling of persons as they approached and as a young teen it piqued my curiosity and I then engaged in so many discussions. In certain areas our beliefs are very contrasting, I believe in the trinity, one “God head” while they believe Jesus is the archangel and the holy spirit is simply a force of God. Whenever the issue of the Sabbath is mentioned our conversations tend to head towards a long debate. I believe in the 7th day Sabbath according to Exodus 20:8 and regarding this topic I am like a donkey, forced to the brook, I will not drink! I always leave them walking away with tails between legs as they fail to convert another one.

However, I really appreciate and admire the fact that all members of the church are ministers and they all work together to win souls for the kingdom. Imagine what the world would be like if other churches adopted this principle. Everyone is treated as one, no classes, no segregation of races and no discrimination, well, except for homosexuality which is not supported by the group.

It is very interesting to learn the varying beliefs based on the ‘same’ bible but I know one day all truth will be revealed, what an exciting day that will be. Everyone should have the right to choose, and if you believe the Jehovah’s Witnesses way is the way to go, feel free to leave all your doors open. As for me, I believe now I have learned enough to know that it will never be my path to tread.

– Aldeam Facey

How to Get a Driver’s License in Jamaica 

So, you’re a big man now? Old legs getting tired of walking? Public transportation not working out for you? Ladies rejecting you because you can’t drive? Well its time you go get yourself a driver’s license. To do this the RIGHT way may take a bit of cash and quite a bit of time. Yes, you may have a little link through which you can buy a license, but do you want to be driving, making simple errors due to lack of training and have other drivers condescendingly ask you if your license was bought? I think not. Now to get a license in Jamaica requires several steps, I’ll try to be as detailed as possible.

You will first need to get a learners permit/license to do this you will have to go to a nearby tax office and collect a form. The details must be entered on the form which should then be signed by a justice of the peace (JP) along with 2 passport sized pictures (also signed by JP). Take the signed form and photographs back to the tax office for processing. You will receive your learners permit immediately.

The next step will be learning to drive. You may have private lessons from a licensed driver who must be seated in the passenger seat adjacent to the driver’s seat at all times during the lesson. The other option is to use a driving school. For persons living in Kingston there is JAA driving school, Grennell’s driving school and Keys driving school among others. I chose to use Keys driving school simply because, while being very expensive was still more affordable than the other options I considered. My latest update had the cost of one lesson being $850 where one lesson lasts 30 minutes long. If you purchase ten or more lessons at once each lesson will cost $750. Basically it is cheaper to buy ten lessons than it is to buy nine.

Keys Driving School

Having paid for lessons and having made a schedule at the Keys driving school’s office located off Hagley park road just beside York plaza, you are ready for the road! Well not really, your first couple of lessons are at a private lot nearby (about 1km away off Molynes Rd) and a shuttle will be provided to transport you to and from the lot.

You have the option of selecting standard transmission or, for those who can’t manage, automatic transmission. Of course, being the macho beast they say I am I chose standard. I like the sporty feel of standard transmission, lower fuel consumption and if the battery dies you can simply push start. If you decide that you are going for the standard transmission your first instructor is very likely to be a miserable old man who will slap you on the leg for making a simple error such as stalling the vehicle (happens to every beginner). The man miserable u si! But him cool still.

After mastering the art of changing the gear, reversing and parallel parking you will be allowed to drive on the road. Driving on the road is very easy and after a total of 15-25 lessons (all depends on you), you are ready for your test. The first thing you will need to do is pay for the test, right now the cost is $2,700 but with the sliding dollar don’t be alarmed if it increases. You may then take the receipt to keys driving school where they will arrange with the Depot (at Swallowfield Rd) to schedule a day for your test. Beware Keys may delay scheduling the date so they may make some more money. The longer it takes to schedule a date the more likely it will be that you will purchase additional lessons, they will even call you to encourage more purchases.

You will also need a vehicle for the test. Keys provides this service as well at a cost of $4,000. Buying it on the corner seems attractive now doesn’t it? But don’t, you will need the lessons plus it is unethical. The test is separated into three parts, the written test, the yard test and the road test. There are two papers for standard transmission and one for automatic transmission students. For the written test there are two books that you will need which are also sold at the driving school. On finishing the test you will be asked to wait outside while they mark the papers. After passing the written section you will move on to the yard test which includes the hill start, reversing and finally parallel parking. You will be told whether you passed or not, in fact, you will know. Another waiting period will follow so it may be wise to clear your schedule for the day. The road test is usually done within the region of Mountain View. You have to be very careful as the examiner (seated at the back) may fail you for the simplest error.

If you passed all sections of your test you will be asked where you prefer to pick up your license. There is a collectorate office in Downtown and another in Constant Spring. In order to pick up your license, there is a $6,000 fee! You will take a photo for your license at the collectorate and the total process usually takes a one to two hours.

So there you have it, a few months and about $40,000 later you will have a driver’s license.

I’ve Been Shopping For Food All Wrong! Markets VS Supermarkets

I have been shopping at the supermarket for years. I like the convenience of having all the items I need in one place. Brooklyn supermarket is a prime example with foods ranging from freshly produced fruits and vegetables to the frozen remains of slaughtered animals. It is a great business idea to have everything in one place and ‘food stores’ such as Empire supermarket and MegaMart appear to be thriving through the implementation of this idea. Usually convenience comes at a cost, and in this case the cost is great! Shopping for a two week supply of food at any of these ‘one stop shops’ at times produce a bill of over 14,000 JMD and that is just for me (no I am not fat). I have come to realize that shopping at these superstores is like cutting a hole in my pocket before pouring in the money. Given the sliding dollar and the climbing cost of living, I had to find a way to ‘mek the dolla stretch’.

Women have generally been good at ‘stretching’ the dollar and I still don’t know how my granny fed so many with so little, only Jesus knows. Many suggestions from female friends have indicated that shopping at the Downtown market will save me loads in cash. The question was, would the possible savings at downtown compensate for the risk! But then again, what’s the worst that could happen in Downtown? I decided to give this market thing a try just to see what the savings are like. I shopped at the supermarket only for items I simply could not find at the market and completed my shopping at the Papine market.

Papine Market
Papine Market

The result was amazing, the savings were unbelievable! I picked up more items than I could carry and it cost so little in comparison to the supermarket. The produce were fresh and had never been on a refrigerator, there was much more to chose from, I could negotiate and the customer service was top notch! The first sellers I encountered at the papine market were a couple, really nice people the transaction was as follows:

Seller: “Hello mi can sell you sumting?”

l stopped and viewed their very presentable display then started to pick up random foods. I got a pound of yellow yam, a few sweet potatoes (which I used to make a mean potato pudding, I’ll share the recipe soon) onions, scallion, thyme, tomatoes, a sweet pepper and some ackee.

Me: “Ho much mi owe you?”

Some quick calculations revealed the total.

Seller: “$730″

I thought for a second she made an error but she turned out to be  sharper mathematician than I was. I gave her $700 and fumbled through my wallet for the remaining $30.

Seller:”Dat aright man”

So there I got a discount without asking for it.  Try getting such a deal at a supermarket. l went to another seller to get some fruits as the couple were the Ground provision and vegetables specialists. I stopped at another lady’s booth where I saw a freshly cut melon. I asked the price and expressed my interest in purchasing. To my surprise she told me it’s not so sweet and she doesn’t recommend it! Amazed! So I saved quite a bit of cash and I had fresh fruits and vegetables. That’s what I call a win win. They now have themselves a life long customer. You may think I am strange for not knowing this sooner but I’m sure there are others locked in the closet of convenience as I was, suffocating due to the smoke of their burning cash.

Beautiful Stall
Beautiful Stall

Please form a mutually beneficial relationship with our farmers, support them and save.  It’s time we stopped purchasing high priced imported foods which are easily accessible locally for much less.

– Aldeam Facey 2015

The Jamaican loada Man

If you travel within Kingston and St Catherine using public transportation, you are likely to encounter casually dressed men aggressively trying to place you on a taxi. More often than not these are self employed business men selling their services whether you like it  or not.

Before you begin to question the necessity of their services, there are a few questions you need to ask. How would passengers know that they should open the door of a taxi and sit in it? How would the taxi drivers know that they should indicate their route? How would the passengers make arrangements with  the taxi driver for a turn-off etc? Is the passenger worthy of communicating directly with the driver? Apparently not.

Papine Taxi Stand
Papine Taxi Stand

Based on personal observations taxi drivers pay up to $50 for a “loada man” to invite 2 passengers into their cars, a whopping 25% cut! The increase in tax doesn’t look so bad now does it?

I have always questioned the reason drivers continue to pay for this service, but I have come to realize that it is not a choice and sanctions are attached to noncompliance. The word government comes to mind. These guys govern the transportation services in many areas while the government selected by the people fails to control what can only be defined as extortion!

So they are running an illegal business they are not dressed appropriately for the services they provide, they are not respectful when dealing with passengers or drivers and profanities form the backbone of their language. With all those negativities attached to the services they provide, they still have better job security than the well educated contract signing tax paying University graduates.

Papine Taxi Stand
Papine Taxi Stand

The poor taxi drivers, like slaves have to conform to the autocracy in order to survive. Often working hard to pay their employers and their ’employees’. To compensate for the cost incurred by the services of the ‘loada man’, drivers are compelled to maximize the carrying capacity of their vehicles, drive a wee bit above the speed limit and avoid traffic by any means necessary. In the long run the passenger suffers. In certain areas such as the Spanish town bus terminus some of these men may take your luggage and place on a bus without having your consent or verification of destination. At times they will even fight each other deciding who will direct you to a vehicle, as if you are not able to choose a vehicle yourself.

The government must be commended however, for taking control of the parking lot in downtown. Despite the threats, the government should continue to maintain control of the lot as it is a huge step towards the eradication of the extortionist culture. Taxi drivers and passengers are both at risk of verbal and physical abuse by these aggressive criminals. How could we forget 2009 when a driver was chopped and seriously injured in the presence of a terrified audience! See the link below (Graphic).

It is amazing that this illegal activity is taking place so openly, often times in close proximity to a police station. It makes me wonder if some politicians are involved. I hope not.

At this point in my sermon I should be making an appeal, an appeal for the enforcers to enforce, for the government to govern and for legal order to be restored. But, will talking about it help? I’m sure those in authority already know about it and are either doing nothing or are puppets, dangling at the requests of the dons. We need to stop packing ourselves in taxis to facilitate the ‘loada man’. Taxi drivers need to stand up like their ancestors and fight for freedom.

These ‘loada men’ need to go, the service they provide, forcefully, is not necessary.

– Aldeam Facey 2015