Poem: I Could Have Been

I could have been so many things in my brief lifetime,

A singer on the church choir or leading a life of crime.

I could have been a drug dealing, wifi stealing, ganja smoking panty dropper,

Who does what he feels and to no one give an answer.

I could have been a shy guy, the kind of guy, ladies, who would always be yours,

The guy who speaks very little but never ignores.

I could have been an artist, painting my life away,

Or a freelance sales representative, selling for Amway,

I could have been a white police, hated by the blacks,

Or a Jehovah’s Witness, selling ‘Awake’ tracts.

I could have been a race car driver, burning up the road,

Or a humble Hindu, reincarnated as a toad.

I could have been a Loada man, you don’t need me but I’m there,

Or a taxi driver, where your comfort is not my care.

I could have been a Rastafarian man, living on ital stew,

Constantly conscious, though the Babylon try to slew.

I could have been a soldier, in that Tivoly incursion,

Shooting a few innocent people yet stating an alternative version.

But I am who I am because of whom I choose to be.

Never let your situation define your destiny.

Be you, be honest, be good.

– Aldeam Facey 2015

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How To Lose Weight

There are many programs which promise weight loss which don’t work for most people. But the issue of weight management is very simple. You need to understand the simple science behind weigh gain and weight loss. What you ‘put in’ is directly proportional to what you ‘put on’, provided that physical activity remains constant.

If you cannot decrease the quantity of food consumed, then you will need to exercise. If you cannot exercise due to time constrains or some other reason, then you will need to decrease your food intake. Yes it is that simple.

There are a number of disorders that influence increased fat storage and make it more difficult to lose weight these include:

Pregnancy

Insulin Resistance (Type 2 Diabetes)

Polycystic Ovary Syndrome

Hypothyroidism

Cushing’s Syndrome

Stress!

Alcohol Consumption

We Can Help

At the Department of Basic Medical Sciences, Biochemistry Section, we provide assessments (anthropometric and biochemical) that would be of great assistance in weight and fitness management. These services are offered for free!* So here is what we do: First we measure your blood pressure, height and weight using the most precise equipment available. We determine your body fat percentage, lean mass, risk of developing type 2 diabetes and the exact amount of calories needed to maintain current body weight with present level of activity. We also provide a breakdown of the calorie content of our most commonly consumed meals.

The biochemical analysis performed include HbA1c content (this is basically the amount of sugar attached to your red blood cells) and fasting glucose concentration (type 2 diabetes diagnosis). We also perform serum lipid analysis (total cholesterol, HDL, LDL, triglycerides) and various serum protein tests. Many other tests can be performed on request.

We will also recommend and connect you with professional trainers (their services are not free of cost).

This body of knowledge will form the basis of a more healthy and fulfilling life. To receive your free assessment contact me below:

You will be contacted within 12 hours.

*Conditions Apply

– Aldeam Facey 2015

Here Is Why I Do Not Eat East Indian Mangoes In Public

I absolutely love East Indian Mangoes, so much so that every week you can see me in the Papine Market ‘jus a feel up feel up weh mi mumma nuh bring’.
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Normally when eating I take my time, cutting just the right amount to put into my half-opened mouth. Eating in public at social events I carefully eat with a knife and a fork so I don’t invite any unwanted attention. At home I tend to be a little more nonchalant, not when eating cooked food, but when enjoying a huge East Indian Mango.

Mangoes
I have a very strange relationship with East Indian Mangoes, they make me unusually happy. Last week I bought a huge 2 pounder, she was a beauty, I took her home, placed her in the kitchen just to get her acclimatized and later that evening I took her to my room, locked the door and I ate her. She was so juicy! As I stripped her skin, held her, with her juices running down my hand cheeks and chest, I could taste her sweetness all the way in the back of my throat. She was very nice. But no, I did not stop there, I sucked her seed so white it looked like a brand new artist canvas. Sadness creeped over me when she was done. I am hooked.
It would be quite embarrassing for anyone to see me like that, there is no level of formality associated with my interactions with East Indian Mangoes. Based on my observations I am definitely not the only one.
Do you enjoy eating mangoes the way I do?

– Aldeam Facey 2015

UWI’s New Hall Is Not For The Lower Class

Today I received an email from the office of the principal, asking me to apply for accommodation at the new hall of residence by the company “138 Student Living”. The new hall, currently under construction, is conveniently located just across from the students union and will be specially targeting “graduate students, medical Interns, Residents and Norman Manley Law School students.” You may take a tour of the facilities here:

http://138studentliving.com/

New Hall

After checking out the new accommodation, I figured it would be nice to live there for a while. I sent an email to the company inquiring the cost per month of this new ‘paradise’ and I promptly received a response. The figure they sent me didn’t have a lot of zeros, it had just 3 significant figures. The only problem I had with the figure presented was that the currency was not Jamaican. They don’t have faith in the strength of our Jamaican dollar to quote in such a currency as ours. Of course, the figure was US dollars. The cost per month will be 395 USD. That is currently equivalent to a butt whopping 45784.45 JMD. With that said:

Kidney For Sale!!!

Excellent condition, pees regularly indicating proper filtration. 70 years warranty! No refund no exchange!

The University of the West Indies has always had a problem accommodating the thousands of students applying to live on halls. Most of the campus community are commuters so increased on-campus accommodation is always welcomed. Finding residence within close proximity to the campus can be challenging. I often see students walking around communities such as Mona, asking for a place to rent. Does this new hall solve the problem? I don’t think it is of significant aid as many students cannot afford such a high rent. The post-graduate students who can afford it, are not willing to spend all their stipend on rent alone. At the end of the email was the statement “Your University, providing first world living for first class students. We look forward to hearing from you.” Replacing “first class” with “upper class” would provide a more accurate summary.

The traditional halls such as Irvine Hall are the most affordable but the University is already making plans to demolish Irving Hall to construct a larger place of residence. But what will be the cost? Are there any plans to make more affordable accommodations?

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In accessing tertiary education, tuition fee is only a half of the problem, accommodation is a significant factor. It is becoming more difficult for the poorer class to gain tertiary education.

If you see me living there next year, you may rest assured that my kidney was sold.

– Aldeam Facey 2015

“A Proper Backsiding” – Child Abuse Or a Cure For Disobedience?

A “backsiding” is a term often used, especially in rural Jamaica, to describe a spanking. This spanking is usually very thorough and is of an intensity proportional to the offense.
We Jamaicans are very angry people and a simple backsiding, where it involves the aluminum pot covers, barbed wires, chains, frying pans or ‘anyting di han can find’, may easily be classified as attempted murder.

“Aldeeeeam!”
“… Yes”
“Gwaan fi di belt an come”
“…. ”
” Mi seh gwaan fi di belt!”

A ‘sticky’ situation, a dilemma characterized by its complexity. Do I obey and accept my guaranteed, immediate reward or do I disobey and have my reward multiplied later? A tough decision I had to make as a child, a decision which became skewed in favor of immediate acceptance as time progressed.
I had a very interesting childhood, whenever I was sick with ‘disrespect’, Dr. Mommy would prescribe and administer ‘a propa backsiding’ or a ‘good buss ass’. It may sound violent, but I don’t believe I turned out too bad. Would the other techniques work? What if during my disrespect full phase my mother prescribed a time out? “Go to your room Aldeam” or “No TV” just to give me some time to think about what I’ve done. I laugh at the very thought. I personally don’t think that would work for a tough head like me, a very stubborn boy.
All the adults in my immediate and extended family turned out to be well disciplined persons, and all had been served a good dish of butt whooping.
Traditionally speaking a spanking was believed to cure the following childhood diseases:

  • Back talking
  • Teeth hissing
  • Disobeying
  • Unauthorized excursions
  • Child spoiling
  • Idling
  • Late home arrivals
  • Bad grades at school
  • Early pregnancy
  • Hard-a-hearing

And many more unpublished diseases.
Spanking ‘created’ the perfect child.

Modern society is moving towards a more passive approach to child corrections. Physically beating a child may result in a legal charge. Many, however, still hold the traditional beliefs that sparing the rod spoils the child.

What are your views? Share below.
Also share some of your experiences with physical corrections.

– Aldeam Facey 2015

Poem: I Swiped Right

Flame

Why am I here? swiping away.

I’m just a swiper swiping.

Dora couldn’t stop me even if she tried.

Invented for the shy and the lonely.

Used by both the bold and the engaged.

With the greatest ease, left to trash and right to treasure.

This application will be around forever.

Left for the woman with the over-sized mole.

Left for the fat one.

Left for the skinny one.

Definitely left for the ‘happily’ married couple.

Left for the man because I don’t play those games.

Left for the white lady with the tiger in her selfie.

I ‘left’ the crazy life a long time ago.

Left for the girl making out with her boyfriend.

Why are you even here?

Left for my friends, because right would be weird.

Left for you old lady, you expect me to believe that you are twenty two?

Will I ever find the ‘right’  one here?

Just as I was about to delete the application.

RIGHT!

For the busty Bajan beauty with the flowing Rastafarian locks.

Right because she stands out.

Right because that Caribbean queen cannot possibly be wrong.

Right for that short, sweet description she used for herself.

Right because I am constantly gazing at pictures of her.

Right, though I know other men are swiping her too.

Hips just right.

Thighs just right.

Smiles just right.

There is no need to swipe any longer, my swiping days are done.

It’s a match! She swiped me too.

– Aldeam Facey 2015

My Response To The 100 Year old Virgin

Last week the Gleaner published an article describing a 100 year old virgin. In the article the said virgin indicated that she gave her life to God and that she was never attracted to any man. This is perfectly fine and she must be commended for her strength and for practicing what she preaches which is much more than some of US Christians can say.
I was inspired to write this to replace a scheduled post after a conversation with a deeply religious, super spiritual Pentecostal friend of mine. Let us call her Anonymous A.

Anonymous A: “Hey Aldeam have you seen the article about the 100 year old virgin?”

Me: “Yea I have”

Anonymous A: “Like omg! How does she do that? I could never wait that long”

Me: “Really? Would you wait until say 40?”

Anonymous A:” yuh mad, no!”

Me: “30?”

Anonymous A: “No”

She is very old, just about my age so not much time left.

Tic toc, tic toc.

It is interesting to note the attention placed on this issue. A lady obeys God’s command, which we all should do and she is placed in the Gleaner for it. A few years ago there were 2 ladies, both virgins one 30 and the other 35. They were featured on religious hard talk! Featured! So if one wants to be on television all one has to do is abstain? Wow.
It is also interesting to note that all of these featured virgins are women. I am yet to see a feature on a male virgin who is over 30 years of age. Do these mystical creatures exist? I think there should be a balance between the stigma attached to female premarital sex and male premarital sex.

These are my confessions

When I was a first year student at UWI, I had never seen the insides of a woman, never felt the warm moist clench of the muscle on my muscle. One day in a group conversation in front of the IFLT (Lecture Theatre), a very large busted, Rastafarian girl loudly asked me if I was a virgin. She recognized the innocence in my words, the curiosity in my questioning and was surprised that one could be so ignorant. I felt ashamed, I did not fit in, I was not apart of the fellowship at that time due to my distant commute. I felt like I was doing something wrong by not doing something wrong. Why though? It happened again a few weeks ago while playing a certain sport with a certain group of friends, a young lady asked me “Aldeam are you a virgin”. This was greeted with laughter and very curious eyes, the question was so professionally evaded.

Guys, if you are ‘pure’ sexually speaking, don’t be swayed by the pressure of friends. Do not heed to the temptation, sexual addiction is real. I can’t promise you vaginas in heaven (no sex) but there is joy beyond our imaginations. If you have already tapped the well, as hard as it is a pause is always possible.

The 100 year old virgin is a former school teacher and a proud member of the Seventh Day Adventist Church.

– Aldeam Facey 2015

Lyssons (UWI) Beach Review

Lyssons Beach is owned and operated by the University of the West Indies. It is located along the coast of St. Thomas across from St. Marguerite’s Hospital.

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Lovely landscapes.
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Adequate bathroom/changing room facilities.SAM_1031 SAM_1032 SAM_1033 SAM_1034 SAM_1035

Seating and shade.SAM_1037 SAM_1043 SAM_1047 SAM_1086

The beach stretches about 100 meters with light brown sand and a shore with almost no incline. There is usually a lifeguard on stand by. The water’s depth is not consistent and may get deep quite suddenly. At the time I visited there was even an old tire in the water!

It is okay for a south coast beach, one cannot expect much more in south west Jamaica. But a few additions (volley ball court, barrier or depth indicator in water) can improve the experience.

The cost to use the beach is listed below (subject to change at the discretion of the UWI).

Lyssons Cost - www.lifeofajamaican.wordpress.com

This beach is best used for events such as beach parties or a group retreat.

I give Lyssons Beach a rating of 5/10.

– Aldeam Facey 2015

UWI Examinations: An Invigilator’s point of view

I have been invigilating exams for a few years now and it has been a very interesting experience. When I was an undergraduate student I believed invigilators didn’t have much to do other than signing my receipts and ensuring I don’t cheat, but now, speaking from the point of view of an invigilator, I assure you it is a very tiring job.

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Our Purpose

So the first step is to have the exam room prepared. This involves placing receipts and other materials the students need on each desk. We then allow the students to enter the room at the appropriate time ensuring they are reminded of the items which are not allowed inside the exam center. This may be annoying for some, but every day students still attempt to enter with cell phones or various forms of paper (both not allowed). Sometimes physical searching is done as well. We then hand the question papers (which are all in sealed bags) to the students approximately five minutes before the start of the exam to allow them to look through and ensure they have the correct number of printed pages. When the exam starts we collect the receipts, sign and file the original copy. The carbon copies are returned to the students when the exam is finished. During the examination session we ensure students are comfortable while we constantly look for any irregular activities or possible cheating.

The Student’s Attitude

Almost every student wait until the last minute to enter the exam center, studying to the very last minute then rush in, having less time to relax and look through the paper. Some students don’t believe that Invigilators should search or ask them anything. This is particularly true for the law and medical students who tend to be very cranky during the exam season. Students also do not like being placed in a seat, this is especially true for the social sciences students as they want to sit where they chose, randomly. This will cause a lot of problems especially if we have a full room, without order the exam session will be chaotic. Students are seated based on arrival time and are only allowed to sit in one row (sitting from top to bottom) until it is filled, the row immediately beside it becomes available. Students should be aware that cooperation is the fastest way to get ahead as we are simply doing our jobs.


The Student’s Attire

There is no dress code for examinations and students make it so obvious that there isn’t. Most students don’t really care what they wear and that’s understandable given they may be up all night studying and have no time to get dressed. I don’t believe short dresses are appropriate for exams but that’s just me, last week there was a girl in a skirt so short, I’m sure I saw her sphincter ani externus.
When it comes to the hair I believe most students can honestly say ‘I woke up like this’. When you have to study , no time for a hair do.
But on the other hand there are well-groomed students! Well dressed young ladies with make up and a proper hair do. These are the persons who believe that if they are going to fail, then they are going to look good doing it.

Interesting Stories

Insane history

A few minutes after the start of an exam last semester a young lady doing a history course asked to use the bathroom. I accompanied her outside but noticed she was going in the wrong direction. I stopped her and she revealed her true intentions. She said she doesn’t know what to do on the paper and wants to go back to her car to study. I informed her that it is not allowed as she had already seen the question paper. She continued walking to her car while I tried to stop her. Thankfully a female security was nearby, I asked for her assistance but the student again lied saying she actually wants to use the bathroom. The security and I followed her but she whispered to me “I’m never coming out”. That would have been a real inconvenience so I informed the chief Invigilator, Dr. Hyslop. Many attempts were made to get her out of the bathroom but she would not budge. It took a while but she eventually came out telling us she is sick and needs to see the doctor, we offered to take her to the health center but she insisted on having her private doctor. We did not heed to that request. She then started crying saying her mom died. Of course we didn’t believe her. The security confidentially told me she believes the student was not totally sane. We all believed something was wrong with her. What scared me though was her threat. She slowly looked at me, the cause of her pain, and said. “Yuh betta nuh mek mi see you again or mi ago run yuh ova wid mi car!” I almost peed myself. After about an hour she was allowed to leave. I marked the color of her BMW, for my safety. She wrote nothing on the paper, surely she failed


The geographical cheater

A guy doing geography was cheating. He was successful, the exam was over. But when handing back his booklet the paper he brought into the exam (containing all the answers) fell to the ground, he had left it in the booklet! Thankfully the lecturer was there to see for himself. The student was written up, of course, he failed.

The missing page cheater

Last semester a few of us Invigilators saw a young man cheating, for verification, several of us watched as he copied the answer from a paper he brought into the exam. We told the chief and took the paper from him. He said he wrote the answer in the booklet and then tore it out but checking his booklet we found it was perfectly intact. We turned our backs a few seconds and he tried to tear a page out of his booklet to confirm his story. This irregularity was reported to examination section and of course he was allowed to make an attempt to defend himself. I did not hear the final result of his trial.

Exams are still in progress, if anything interesting happens I will update this post.

– Aldeam Facey 2015

Lloyd Green-(Grandad): Rest Peacefully

Lloyd Green,  my grandfather, called “Dada” or “Dockery” by relatives and close friends lived a full life and memories of him will live on.

Dada

I grew up with my grandfather and I have some fond memories of him. He was a good farmer, a humble man while being a firm disciplinarian. He was a deacon at the Giblatore Seventh day Adventist Church, the church for which he provided excellent service for decades. He sang beautifully both in the choir and occasionally solo.  With a clean baritone voice, frequent requests were made for his contribution to praise and worship. He spent a lot of his time on the beautification of the church, work which definitely has not gone unnoticed.

In the home strong leadership as the head of the household kept the family together and in line. He ensured that no mischief goes unpunished while no accomplishments, upraised. He successfully raised 7 children with his loving wife Henrita Green (Miss Nicey), sparing not the rod, spoiling not a child. I benefited from his traditional methods of disciplining and while in those moments I was not pleased, today I can proudly say, that my hind end thanks him. He took disciplining very very seriously and one may see well carved pieces of sticks positioned in specially selected corners of the house. Visitors would think they are nice displays, but we knew what they were for. His craftsmanship expanded far beyond that and he created very interesting pieces of craft items which he displayed at the community senior citizens club. I am happy I was able to assist in that area but it’s unfortunate he was not able to expose even more, his talents.

One of his most distinguishing features was his wit. Conversations with Dada almost always result in loud bouts of laughter after his very witty comments. His wit did not subtract from the fact that he was a very macho man and I am pleased to have had him as a father figure.

He died at the age of 76. Throughout his life he was very healthy, his recent trip to the hospital was his first and it led to his passing. He fought very hard through his sickness and just days before his passing, he acknowledged that he recognized me with his trademark head nod which he always used when stating phrases such as “yes man”. Grandad will be missed.

Matthew 5:4 Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.

Rest in peace, Grandad, one day I will be with you in paradise.

6/5/2015