How to React When an Unmarried Church Sister Gets Pregnant

Pi squared plus the cube root of tan minus the hypotenuse of… Ok scratch that, there is no formula for the quantification of sin. No hierarchal structure segregating the various transgressions. There are no uptown sins or downtown sins, no sophisticated sins or ghetto sins. Sin a sin! No sin is greater than the other and we are not qualified to cast the first or second stone simply because we sin differently.

So a church sister gets pregnant. Yes, it may be a little surprising at first, you are wondering “Should I say congratulations or should I say oops?” Well here is a list of what not to say and what you may:

What NOT to say

“The blood is against you” 

Who gave you the power to put any blood against anyone?

“OMG what happened?” 

Please don’t ask such stupid questions, you know what happened. The penis entered the vagina several times until the… What am I doing? You know what happened.

“Quickly! Get married now!”

Shotgun marriages are things of the past. Don’t force people to get married, especially with the high divorce rate.

“So, you found out how the water walked to the pumpkin’s belly”

If you say this then you are an old 80 year old woman who has never had a spouse all her life and thrives on the mistakes of the young.

“Was it an accident?”

-_- yea, she just tripped and fell right into pregnancy. Again, don’t ask stupid questions.

What You May Say

“Congrats”

Children are blessings from God. Be very thankful especially for a successful birth!

“Is it a boy or a girl”

Express ‘GENUINE’ interest in the baby. Let the couple know you care.

“Is everything okay? Do you need anything?”

Offer assistance where possible.

“Can I be the Godfather/mother?”

Again offer assistance if needed.

And finally, ensure you invite your sister to church. She may be a little embarrassed, but be there to provide encouragement. Spiritual help is needed more than anything to bring comfort.

Sexual temptation is a very powerful thing and as a young man I find significant contrast between the desires of the ‘flesh’ and that of the ‘spirit’.

Flesh vs spirit (A - Facey 2013)

Whenever I see a young lady with a waist hip ratio of 0.6, a concentration of adipocytes around and over her gluteus maximus, who walks as if her spine is permanently concave, quite often my bulbospongiosus muscle does not refrain from contracting itself. So I know too well the difficulties associated with temptation. Without spiritual help, how will we overcome? Humans are not perfect, but thanks to grace its perfectly okay not to be, as we aim to be the best we can. Sexual sins, like lying, stealing and coveting the possessions of others are all opposed by God. It is therefore not fair to judge simply because an individual’s sin has been made obvious, remember God knows our every thought.

Let us encourage and assist each other to avoid sin in all its forms. Pray for the guidance of the holy spirit to direct our every actions and decisions as we recognize that alone, without God, we may do nothing.

– Aldeam Facey 2015

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I’ve Been Shopping For Food All Wrong! Markets VS Supermarkets

I have been shopping at the supermarket for years. I like the convenience of having all the items I need in one place. Brooklyn supermarket is a prime example with foods ranging from freshly produced fruits and vegetables to the frozen remains of slaughtered animals. It is a great business idea to have everything in one place and ‘food stores’ such as Empire supermarket and MegaMart appear to be thriving through the implementation of this idea. Usually convenience comes at a cost, and in this case the cost is great! Shopping for a two week supply of food at any of these ‘one stop shops’ at times produce a bill of over 14,000 JMD and that is just for me (no I am not fat). I have come to realize that shopping at these superstores is like cutting a hole in my pocket before pouring in the money. Given the sliding dollar and the climbing cost of living, I had to find a way to ‘mek the dolla stretch’.

Women have generally been good at ‘stretching’ the dollar and I still don’t know how my granny fed so many with so little, only Jesus knows. Many suggestions from female friends have indicated that shopping at the Downtown market will save me loads in cash. The question was, would the possible savings at downtown compensate for the risk! But then again, what’s the worst that could happen in Downtown? I decided to give this market thing a try just to see what the savings are like. I shopped at the supermarket only for items I simply could not find at the market and completed my shopping at the Papine market.

Papine Market
Papine Market

The result was amazing, the savings were unbelievable! I picked up more items than I could carry and it cost so little in comparison to the supermarket. The produce were fresh and had never been on a refrigerator, there was much more to chose from, I could negotiate and the customer service was top notch! The first sellers I encountered at the papine market were a couple, really nice people the transaction was as follows:

Seller: “Hello mi can sell you sumting?”

l stopped and viewed their very presentable display then started to pick up random foods. I got a pound of yellow yam, a few sweet potatoes (which I used to make a mean potato pudding, I’ll share the recipe soon) onions, scallion, thyme, tomatoes, a sweet pepper and some ackee.

Me: “Ho much mi owe you?”

Some quick calculations revealed the total.

Seller: “$730″

I thought for a second she made an error but she turned out to be  sharper mathematician than I was. I gave her $700 and fumbled through my wallet for the remaining $30.

Seller:”Dat aright man”

So there I got a discount without asking for it.  Try getting such a deal at a supermarket. l went to another seller to get some fruits as the couple were the Ground provision and vegetables specialists. I stopped at another lady’s booth where I saw a freshly cut melon. I asked the price and expressed my interest in purchasing. To my surprise she told me it’s not so sweet and she doesn’t recommend it! Amazed! So I saved quite a bit of cash and I had fresh fruits and vegetables. That’s what I call a win win. They now have themselves a life long customer. You may think I am strange for not knowing this sooner but I’m sure there are others locked in the closet of convenience as I was, suffocating due to the smoke of their burning cash.

Beautiful Stall
Beautiful Stall

Please form a mutually beneficial relationship with our farmers, support them and save.  It’s time we stopped purchasing high priced imported foods which are easily accessible locally for much less.

– Aldeam Facey 2015