So there I was walking through the Faculty of Social Sciences at the renowned University of the West Indies (UWI), when I stumbled upon the most atrocious sight! It was a notice board with pictures of the top students in the faculty! I looked at it from top to bottom, then, jealousy filled my heart, I burned within. I questioned myself ‘Why weren’t you ever up there?’. In my search for the answers, I noticed something quite striking. All the candidates had one thing in common! I perused carefully to ensure I didn’t miss anyone but alas! No! I did not. They were all very hard to look at for prolonged periods of time. They were what scientists would call, ‘phenotypically displeasing’. Bwoy the pickney dem ugly!

See the image below for the list of top scholars. Warning: Graphic image may be disturbing to some.

Please note that I had to blur the image, for your safety.

So Is there a significant negative correlation between beauty and brains?

Just like the world of science, you can always find information that supports the point you are trying to establish; with the right Google keywords. But, an overwhelming supply of evidence does support the claim. In a Jamaica Observer article titled “Man shortage leads less attractive women to career success: study” the study found that uglier, ape-like women, are climbing the trees to fruitful academic success. Also, on the other side of the world in Hong Kong China, a similar theory persist “Highly educated women are mocked as a sexless “third gender”“. While the proposed reason for the academic success of less attractive women is the ‘shortage of male partners‘, it is important to note that men prefer to marry these ugly women.

Okay, So the theory that education does not favor the beautiful, does exist. Let us zoom in at the UWI space. I was an exam Invigilator for a number of years and during final examinations I have monitored a wide range of students on the attractiveness spectrum. But when invigilating summer examinations I always notice that the girls are very hot. So what happens here is the filtering of the attractive girls. The ugly ones pass their exams and go home for the summer to catch up on some well needed beauty sleep while the hot ones chill at UWI and resit their failed examinations.

Due to my amazing ‘straightness’, I was unable to determine the level of attractiveness of male students. But, given how poorly I perform in school, one can assume that the same theory may be true for males. A much larger sample size is needed for this assessment before any reasonable conclusion is made.

So, if you are a young woman who just completed your end of semester UWI examinations and you are worried that you have failed them all, rest assured that the likelihood of you being on the more favorable side of the attractiveness spectrum is high. If you completed all your examinations and you are confident that you have passed all your courses with excellent grades, please stay indoors for the summer. Thanks.

– Aldeam Facey 2016 (Satire)