Jamaican Windscreen Washers

Much like the Loada Man, a Jamaican windscreen washer is a self employed entrepreneur who provides a quite redundant service. I have always been annoyed by these aggressive guys who force you to accept their service whether or not you need it. But it was not until I had some personal experiences with them that I realized how forceful they can be towards drivers.


So a few months ago not long after having my car washed,  I saw a windscreen washer at a stoplight at the intersection of Hope Road and Trafalgar Road. With stained, heavily perforated, over-sized garments he walked towards my car. In his left hand he had a transparent soda bottle and in it there was a clear fluid, which I assume was water and what appeared to be leaves of a tree. No, not diluted soap; leaves! His sanity was questionable. As he stepped closer to the vehicle I knew he was coming for me. Thoughts ran through my head; What should I do? Should I scream and run? Cornered by other vehicles left me without an option. I frantically waved my hand at him, begging him not to ‘clean’ my spotless windshield. My requests were not observed as he looked at me through the windscreen and nodded ‘yes’. I waved again and shouted ‘NO!’. He looked at me again and nodded ‘yes’, with a creepy look that clearly says ‘just let it happen’. I let it happen. The light, much like our political system, just wouldn’t change to green fast enough. At the end of his session I gave him $15 and I just sat there in traffic, feeling dirty and used. He did a poor job, leaving the windscreen much worse than it was before.

Now, I’ve learned a lot regarding dealing with these windscreen washers, who may greet you with profanities or make requests for you to consume various parts of your mother.

How To Say No

  • Apparently, much like a young lady in a short skirt is begging to be raped, driving around with a dirty windscreen is an invitation to these windscreen cleaners. Always have a clean windscreen.
  • Turn on wipers as they approach.
  • Wind down windows and aggressively say no.
  • Let them know you have no money.


Now, while I am not a big fan of these guys, they are trying to make a living. I prefer them doing this than robbing people. So if you need your windscreen cleaned, feel free to let them do it for you. They will accept as little cash as you have. My primary issue is their attitude towards drivers, otherwise, they are tolerable. 

– Aldeam Facey 2016

Driving In Jamaica: UWI Mona To Half Way Tree via Hope Road

I love the Google Maps app, it works like a charm. But what if you could attach a video of a route? This would be a welcomed addition and I know there is ‘Street View’ but that too has its limitations. What if we all could contribute a video of a route which expires in about a year so each available video is representative of current infrastructure, road rules, pot holes etc? What if we had the option of watching a route before a journey? It would be cool to add a feature which allows you to play the video while you drive, at the speed you are driving. A video which would pause when you stop and resume when you go.

This is just an idea I had, practical or not, I know it would help me. I had to take some people somewhere for work but had no idea where to find the location. Naturally, Google Maps. I tested the route a day before the journey because if we got lost on the day of the event, it could spell disaster. I missed a turn, which we would on the day of the event had I not done a test run. I eventually found the location so Google Maps worked, but if a video of the route was available I wouldn’t have to waste my time with a test run.

So I got myself a dash cam so in the event of an accident there will be a record and I also want to get a much cheaper insurance next year… cause boi! Comprehensive insurance for a young (but not so young) man, is incomprehensible. I attached my Samsung MV800 to the dash cam’s mount and I made my first route video, see below:


Driving In Jamaica: UWI Mona To Half Way Tree via Hope Road


– Aldeam Facey 2016

Uglier Girls Perform Better In School: A UWI Observation

So there I was walking through the Faculty of Social Sciences at the renowned University of the West Indies (UWI), when I stumbled upon the most atrocious sight! It was a notice board with pictures of the top students in the faculty! I looked at it from top to bottom, then, jealousy filled my heart, I burned within. I questioned myself ‘Why weren’t you ever up there?’. In my search for the answers, I noticed something quite striking. All the candidates had one thing in common! I perused carefully to ensure I didn’t miss anyone but alas! No! I did not. They were all very hard to look at for prolonged periods of time. They were what scientists would call, ‘phenotypically displeasing’. Bwoy the pickney dem ugly!

See the image below for the list of top scholars. Warning: Graphic image may be disturbing to some.


Please note that I had to blur the image, for your safety.

So Is there a significant negative correlation between beauty and brains?

Just like the world of science, you can always find information that supports the point you are trying to establish; with the right Google keywords. But, an overwhelming supply of evidence does support the claim. In a Jamaica Observer article titled “Man shortage leads less attractive women to career success: study” the study found that uglier, ape-like women, are climbing the trees to fruitful academic success. Also, on the other side of the world in Hong Kong China, a similar theory persist “Highly educated women are mocked as a sexless “third gender”“. While the proposed reason for the academic success of less attractive women is the ‘shortage of male partners‘, it is important to note that men prefer to marry these ugly women.

Okay, So the theory that education does not favor the beautiful, does exist. Let us zoom in at the UWI space. I was an exam Invigilator for a number of years and during final examinations I have monitored a wide range of students on the attractiveness spectrum. But when invigilating summer examinations I always notice that the girls are very hot. So what happens here is the filtering of the attractive girls. The ugly ones pass their exams and go home for the summer to catch up on some well needed beauty sleep while the hot ones chill at UWI and resit their failed examinations.

FST Summer School
Hot girls will be here…

Due to my amazing ‘straightness’, I was unable to determine the level of attractiveness of male students. But, given how poorly I perform in school, one can assume that the same theory may be true for males. A much larger sample size is needed for this assessment before any reasonable conclusion is made.

So, if you are a young woman who just completed your end of semester UWI examinations and you are worried that you have failed them all, rest assured that the likelihood of you being on the more favorable side of the attractiveness spectrum is high. If you completed all your examinations and you are confident that you have passed all your courses with excellent grades, please stay indoors for the summer. Thanks.


– Aldeam Facey 2016 (Satire)


Is He Racist?

I have never really been exposed to racism in Jamaica, where it pretty much doesn’t exist. Here we have ‘classism’, and yes I have been exposed, being at the bottom of the food chain. So, apparently I have readers all over the world, to my surprise. A few days ago a young man contacted me using the ‘CONTACT ME’ tab. The message he sent me is copied below. Note, his contact information has been removed. He provided his email and phone number.

“Comment: I am a white 16 year old that has a fascinating interest in Jamaican Niggers. I would love to learn more. pLease call me.”

Um… Niggers? Confused. I didn’t know what more he wanted to learn but I wasn’t too pleased that he used the term ‘Jamaican Niggers’, especially given that he is white. I really didn’t know how to respond.

My response Via Email
Hi, Kevin, I am a black 20 something year old who has a fascinating interest in Crackers. Yes, I love Crackers. Especially the tough water Crackers with some hot Milo tea. I would love to have some more right now.

– Aldeam Facey 2016

Happy Birthday Aldeam!

A year older a year sexier, blah blah blah… you know all that nice stuff people say on their birthdays. I usually don’t even acknowledge my birthday, but I think this is an important one. Having long surpassed a quarter of a century on this earth, knocking profusely on Thirty’s door, I often feel unaccomplished. With only a half completed PhD, no babies, no wives and none pending. One would expect more at this time, as I age closer to death yearly. Nonetheless, God, my God, our God, has blessed me so much more than I deserve. So for me, today is his day, a day I reflect on His accomplishments in my life, a day I appreciate what I have and humbly wait for what I don’t have. Today I say, let His will be mine.

-Aldeam Facey 2016

Aldeam Goes Mobile

Gone are the days when I had to fit into spaces I could not see. Gone are the days when I had no control of the music  that pierced my ear drums. Gone are the days when air conditioning in my transport was a thing spoken of but not experienced. Gone are the days I when I had to stop at every bus stop, having no control of the occasional foul smell that warmly embraced me. Welcome to the days of having no extra dollars in my pocket. Welcome to the days days when the gas station becomes both my enemy and my friend. Welcome to the days I become the first person my friends call. The glorious days when air conditioning, music and random ladies are luxuries at my disposal. I am now mobile.

Yes rasta, Aldeam get kyar!

Honda City

The aim was to purchase a motor bike. I am excited by the joy and freedom it brings, but relatives simply couldn’t see the light – or didn’t want me to see the light if you know what I mean. I had to find another way to please them and myself so a car was the best bet. I worked hard and finally got myself a ride. Of course, a Honda

I was alarmed at the high cost to maintain a vehicle I am now permanently broke. Feel free to contribute to the Aldeam Maintenance Fund (AMF). It was however a necessary investment and I look forward to helping others find the comfort I have.

Just a word of advise; if you are going to get a car, get a Honda, for if it is not a Honda, its nothing.


-Aldeam Facey 2016

Many Interests, One Jamaican