Rebecca Black, Is So White!

So its Friday! The day ‘nine to fivers’ look forward to weekly. My contentment led me to the popular video site Youtube.com, in search of a song that reflects my mood. I searched for ‘Friday’ and I found a song that was released in 2011 by a wonderful little white girl called Rebecca Black. The song surely brought a smile to my face as I listened to the pure, innocent lyrics.

The song is so amazing and I don’t know why millions of persons hate it so much. One should be awarded for such brilliant creativity. To top it off Rebecca’s vocals are on point with Beyoncé Knowles, Whitney Houston, Celine Dion and those big shot singers. So intrigued was I, that I had to press the like button on the video. Youtube.com did a very strange thing that I had never seen before. It asked ‘Are you sure you want to like this video?” and I clicked yes then subscribed for more. To demonstrate why I love this song so much, just look at the some of the lyrics:

[Verse 1: Rebecca Black]
7am, waking up in the morning
Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs
Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal
Seein’ everything, the time is goin’
Tickin’ on and on, everybody’s rushin’
Gotta get down to the bus stop
Gotta catch my bus, I see my friends (My friends)
Kicking it in the front seat
Sitting in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?

These are everyday problems we face in developing countries like Jamaica. We can all relate, that’s why the song is such a big hit here. 

Even with our luxurious taxis, when one arrives at the taxi stand, everyone just stops and looks at it because no one knows whether to kick it in the front seat or kick it in the back. Sigh, life is so hard.

[Hook: Rebecca Black]
It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin’ down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend

Sentiments with which we can all agree. 

[Bridge: Rebecca Black]
Yesterday was Thursday
Today is Friday
We so excited! We so excited
We gonna have a ball today
Tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwards
I don’t want this weekend to end!

Like a bridge over troubled waters! Dah bridge yah bad! ‘Yesterday was Thursday Today is Friday’ Sounds like something Grace Jackson would say! Probably that’s why I like this Black girl so much enuh. Then she goes on to remind us that ‘Tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwards‘. Such deep and powerful words! This girl deserves a Grammy ASAP! 

Yow unu pree di song!

If the song was any Whiter, it would be transparent. That is how pure and real Friday appears.

It doesn’t ever get much Whiter than this. I can’t wait for Saturday to be released. Rebecca, keep doing what you doing! You Rock!

 

– Aldeam Facey 2016

 

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Jamaica’s Online Community Had No Mercy, On Grace

Unless you are living under the ‘Tobago side of Trinidad’, you would have heard of how lovely Grace Jackson’s commentary at the Rio Olympics have been. So the Olympics are officially over and I have not been sleeping well since then. I miss the soothing voice of Grace, her accurate analysis of the races and her use of repetition to ensure we never miss her point.

Grace Jackson is a well decorated, retired Jamaican athlete who competed in the 1984, 1988 and 1992 Olympic games. She earned a silver medal in the 1988 Olympic games in the 200m. She placed second in that event, behind the first place finisher.

Our Jamaican language focuses on repetition for emphasis and clear understanding. For example if we wanted to say ‘That is a very big tree’ we may say ‘It is a big, big tree’. So it was no surprise to me that Grace, an authentic Jamaican, would repeat a few words.

It was a great honor for Grace to be selected to do the commentary at the Rio Olympics this year. Given her experience in the participation and administration of athletics, no one dared to question her competence or request any vetting. We didn’t know what to expect, but she did her job and she did it …graciously.

The online community in Jamaica, however, had a grand time mocking Grace for what they perceived to be the worst commentary of all time. How rude. Some of the popular tweets can be seen below:

grace

 

Okay, so they are hilarious!

It is said that when in Jamaica, do what the Jamaicans do. So I had my fair share of the fun as I tweeted the following:

Screenshot_2016-08-30-13-03-35

I trust they will do the right thing and allow her to commentate during the Japan Olympics 2020.

 

– Aldeam Facey 2016 (Satire)

 

Facebook Likes And Pokes: What Do They Mean?

So there I was, stalking her on Facebook. She is so beautiful, captivating and intelligent. I had been stalking her for years, too shy to make a move. I often wondered if she would like a shy guy, the kind of guy, who would always be her’s. Oh Lawd have mercy… mercy ….mercy! I just had to have her. One day she posted a picture! I swooped in for the kill. LIKE! I liked her picture and to seal the deal I made a comment in the event the ‘like’ got ‘lost’. “This is lovely, I REALLY like this”. She innocently replied ‘Aww thanks’, not knowing the large number of babies I wanted to make with her. Her interpretation of the ‘like’ was completely different when compared to mine. This got me thinking, what does a like mean?

I’ve seen posts on Facebook of mass shootings and acts of terrorism receive likes. I can recall posting a story of my grandfather’s death and it received many likes. Does that mean they like the fact that I shared the story, or do they like the story itself? I don’t believe these people ‘like’ the occasion. In such a case a ‘support’ button would be more applicable.

Pokes, what are they? At first I thought it was a way to keep in ‘touch’ with friends with whom you don’t really want to have a conversation. Then I thought it was a weird way for a really shy guy to tell a girl he likes her. But I’ve been poking this girl back and forth for about two years now and it has not yet been fruitful. It’s time we turn that virtual poke into a literal one if you know what I mean. Giggidy!

What does a like or a poke mean for you?

 

-Aldeam Facey 2016

 

Jamaican Windscreen Washers

Much like the Loada Man, a Jamaican windscreen washer is a self employed entrepreneur who provides a quite redundant service. I have always been annoyed by these aggressive guys who force you to accept their service whether or not you need it. But it was not until I had some personal experiences with them that I realized how forceful they can be towards drivers.

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So a few months ago not long after having my car washed,  I saw a windscreen washer at a stoplight at the intersection of Hope Road and Trafalgar Road. With stained, heavily perforated, over-sized garments he walked towards my car. In his left hand he had a transparent soda bottle and in it there was a clear fluid, which I assume was water and what appeared to be leaves of a tree. No, not diluted soap; leaves! His sanity was questionable. As he stepped closer to the vehicle I knew he was coming for me. Thoughts ran through my head; What should I do? Should I scream and run? Cornered by other vehicles left me without an option. I frantically waved my hand at him, begging him not to ‘clean’ my spotless windshield. My requests were not observed as he looked at me through the windscreen and nodded ‘yes’. I waved again and shouted ‘NO!’. He looked at me again and nodded ‘yes’, with a creepy look that clearly says ‘just let it happen’. I let it happen. The light, much like our political system, just wouldn’t change to green fast enough. At the end of his session I gave him $15 and I just sat there in traffic, feeling dirty and used. He did a poor job, leaving the windscreen much worse than it was before.

Now, I’ve learned a lot regarding dealing with these windscreen washers, who may greet you with profanities or make requests for you to consume various parts of your mother.

How To Say No

  • Apparently, much like a young lady in a short skirt is begging to be raped, driving around with a dirty windscreen is an invitation to these windscreen cleaners. Always have a clean windscreen.
  • Turn on wipers as they approach.
  • Wind down windows and aggressively say no.
  • Let them know you have no money.

 

Now, while I am not a big fan of these guys, they are trying to make a living. I prefer them doing this than robbing people. So if you need your windscreen cleaned, feel free to let them do it for you. They will accept as little cash as you have. My primary issue is their attitude towards drivers, otherwise, they are tolerable. 

– Aldeam Facey 2016

Driving In Jamaica: UWI Mona To Half Way Tree via Hope Road

I love the Google Maps app, it works like a charm. But what if you could attach a video of a route? This would be a welcomed addition and I know there is ‘Street View’ but that too has its limitations. What if we all could contribute a video of a route which expires in about a year so each available video is representative of current infrastructure, road rules, pot holes etc? What if we had the option of watching a route before a journey? It would be cool to add a feature which allows you to play the video while you drive, at the speed you are driving. A video which would pause when you stop and resume when you go.

This is just an idea I had, practical or not, I know it would help me. I had to take some people somewhere for work but had no idea where to find the location. Naturally, Google Maps. I tested the route a day before the journey because if we got lost on the day of the event, it could spell disaster. I missed a turn, which we would on the day of the event had I not done a test run. I eventually found the location so Google Maps worked, but if a video of the route was available I wouldn’t have to waste my time with a test run.

So I got myself a dash cam so in the event of an accident there will be a record and I also want to get a much cheaper insurance next year… cause boi! Comprehensive insurance for a young (but not so young) man, is incomprehensible. I attached my Samsung MV800 to the dash cam’s mount and I made my first route video, see below:

 

Driving In Jamaica: UWI Mona To Half Way Tree via Hope Road

 

– Aldeam Facey 2016

Uglier Girls Perform Better In School: A UWI Observation

So there I was walking through the Faculty of Social Sciences at the renowned University of the West Indies (UWI), when I stumbled upon the most atrocious sight! It was a notice board with pictures of the top students in the faculty! I looked at it from top to bottom, then, jealousy filled my heart, I burned within. I questioned myself ‘Why weren’t you ever up there?’. In my search for the answers, I noticed something quite striking. All the candidates had one thing in common! I perused carefully to ensure I didn’t miss anyone but alas! No! I did not. They were all very hard to look at for prolonged periods of time. They were what scientists would call, ‘phenotypically displeasing’. Bwoy the pickney dem ugly!

See the image below for the list of top scholars. Warning: Graphic image may be disturbing to some.

20160417_124313-01.jpeg

Please note that I had to blur the image, for your safety.

So Is there a significant negative correlation between beauty and brains?

Just like the world of science, you can always find information that supports the point you are trying to establish; with the right Google keywords. But, an overwhelming supply of evidence does support the claim. In a Jamaica Observer article titled “Man shortage leads less attractive women to career success: study” the study found that uglier, ape-like women, are climbing the trees to fruitful academic success. Also, on the other side of the world in Hong Kong China, a similar theory persist “Highly educated women are mocked as a sexless “third gender”“. While the proposed reason for the academic success of less attractive women is the ‘shortage of male partners‘, it is important to note that men prefer to marry these ugly women.

Okay, So the theory that education does not favor the beautiful, does exist. Let us zoom in at the UWI space. I was an exam Invigilator for a number of years and during final examinations I have monitored a wide range of students on the attractiveness spectrum. But when invigilating summer examinations I always notice that the girls are very hot. So what happens here is the filtering of the attractive girls. The ugly ones pass their exams and go home for the summer to catch up on some well needed beauty sleep while the hot ones chill at UWI and resit their failed examinations.

FST Summer School
Hot girls will be here…

Due to my amazing ‘straightness’, I was unable to determine the level of attractiveness of male students. But, given how poorly I perform in school, one can assume that the same theory may be true for males. A much larger sample size is needed for this assessment before any reasonable conclusion is made.

So, if you are a young woman who just completed your end of semester UWI examinations and you are worried that you have failed them all, rest assured that the likelihood of you being on the more favorable side of the attractiveness spectrum is high. If you completed all your examinations and you are confident that you have passed all your courses with excellent grades, please stay indoors for the summer. Thanks.

 

– Aldeam Facey 2016 (Satire)

 

Many Interests, One Jamaican