Category Archives: Dancehall

Equal Rights!

Recently, Jamaican dancehall artiste, Ishawna, has been the center of attention for her song “Equal Rights”. While I am a little late to the dinner party, I thought I would take a bite out of this cake of controversy as this tasty topic is often ignored. The song endorses cunnilingus and clearly indicates that if one expects to ‘receive’, one should also ‘give’. This is a fair point but does one expect a macho Jamaican man to stoop to such levels and openly admit it? Have a listen!

 

I recall writing an article about this very topic where I interviewed some Jamaican males and some were open to the idea. This indicates the changing views in the Jamaican culture. In the article I noted that a friend of mine was willing to have his name posted, but when the article was published, and friends started mocking him, he messaged me asking to be anonymous. Here is his comment when asked his views on cunnilingus:

Anonymous 4: “Yow pum pum fi eat! Mi naa hide an talk! Das why my girl love me enuh. All when e jaw dem big an yuh…”  (he was very descriptive).

The poll at the end of the article had 69% of the respondents (males) supporting cunnilingus. What a coincidence!

Most, however, still oppose openly. Jamaican men are very egocentric and macho, they view oral sex as being degrading and or emasculating. I found this to be particularly true when doing some surveys for the same topic using the female population. Literally every female asked, whether or not they have performed oral sex, support the activity. Why is it that women support the activity but men don’t? Let us look at the advantages and disadvantages of equal rights with regards to oral sex for  Jamaican men.

Advantages of supporting Equal Rights:

  1. Your female partner may finally cum!
  2. Possible reduced frequency of infidelity.
  3. You may receive more sex.
  4. Wetter is better. Foreplay will make sex more enjoyable for females. She doesn’t have to flick it, if you lick it before you kick it.

 

Disadvantages of supporting Equal Rights:

  1. Lose respect from your friends. Because, I mean, you HAVE to tell them about it.
  2. You may bruise your knees.
  3. Your tongue may get tired.
  4. If your wife wants to kill you, she may choke you with her thighs.
  5. Your partner will start to boss you around, you will lose the authority as man of the house and the power of the puss with reign! ha ha ha.

 

There are no real disadvantages. It all comes down to ego. Whether or not you support it, should be your decision, not society, not friends, not culture. If you don’t agree with it, don’t do it, and don’t ask for it. If you do agree, enjoy your meals.

 

– Aldeam Facey 2017

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The life and Death of Gully Bop’s Tooth: A Chew Story!

Gully Bop is the name of a Dancehall artiste who has had a sudden rise to fame after an amateur video of him performing went viral. Within a few months he transitioned from being homeless to performing at arguably Jamaica’s biggest stage show, Sting! Physically speaking, Gully Bop is not the most well groomed man you had ever seen and possibly not the most handsome you had ever met either (I’m trying to be nice here). However, these are the features which clearly distinguishes him from the scores of other artistes fighting to excel. His most unique features are his teeth – or the lack thereof. I could just imaging what his teeth had experienced over the years.

Gully Bop
Gully Bop

From a tooth’s point of view:

“Hi, I am Fronty – Gully Bop’s front tooth – and I was the last 1 standing. I remember years ago when I was born, there were 32 of us but life was so hard. Sighs. I remembered when we all had to sell our enamels just to buy a little calcium, shed our plaque just so our master could eat. Our master refused to take care of us, but we understood, as fortune was not on his side. Sometimes we were fortunate enough to get a little food from the dump and we would have fun masticating it. I would slice a piece of expired bun and throw it over to Sidey and finally Sidey would pass it on to Backy. Sighs, oh Backy, I miss that fat dude. Even though he smelt so moldy that we often called him Molar lol (tears). He was the first to leave us. Backy had very rocky days before he fell. The most saddening thing is that when we fall, no tooth fairies come for us, no wand wielding, tooth carrying, gravity defying beings come for us. There is no one willing to leave a dollar under master’s stone when we die, in memory of us.

Sidey stood by me through thick and ‘tin’, for we had to learn to bite through tin cans as well. There are nights we would beg to be brushed, but neither the willingness, the resources or the interest was there. In cold nights we would cover ourselves in plaque just to keep ourselves warm. But whenever you find a plaque to keep you warm at nights, he will use you and cause you to decay. Most nights after being used I felt like a cheap tooth! Master water down and dilute sidey, master hide the colgate from the youte, but the youte dem hold dem root!

One day there was a mighty earthquake. I could hear Sidey shaking, he was going down. I held him close to me

Me: Sidey, hold on!

Sidey: I can’t, the gum is not too strong!

Me: Hold on to me with that sticky stuff that surrounds you, it will support the gum, at least for 30 seconds twice per day!

Sidey: *Sobs*

Me: Don’t wimp out now, you can do it, just 30 seconds of holding me twice per day, sure its a little intense but… Sidey…. Sidey!!! NOOOOO!!!

…..

I was the only one left. I was so lonely, but at least now I had good food and colgate. To add to the satisfaction I often feel a tongue or two rubbing against me so I know someone cares. If only I had my brothers back, life is not happy without them. Even some synthetic, replacement brothers would do, but master doesn’t seem interested in making me happy, such a hype and selfish man he had become. Just to make life worth living, I would sing to entertain myself:

Dem oda teet nuh have root like me.

Dem oda teet nuh nyam food like me.

Dem oda teet nuh bite ‘chin’ like me.

….. I miss dem oda teet.

I got tired of living, so while being cleaned, I wrapped myself in the dental floss and I would not let go! I relaxed my root  and away I flew, never to chew again.

I write this to you from fairyland. I was the only one rich enough to make it here.”

– Aldeam Facey 2015