I met a girl online recently. I think she may have seen a blog post that I made and she thought I was cool. We started chatting about random topics and I had no intention of making any moves as I have already been purchased and as such, I am not on the market. She told me she was 29 years old and casually mentioned her three kids. The shocker for me, however, was the age of her eldest child, 14 years old, with the youngest being 5 months. Quick math revealed the prison work that was performed about 15 years ago. Such crimes in Jamaica are often unpunished. Upon inquiries, I found that all three children were from three different fathers. Now, here is where it got shocking. She said if this is going to work I would have to accept all three of her kids and love them as she does. She gave me the assurance that I would get one too, that would be biologically mine, but only after we were married. She wants to save herself for her husband. I did not doubt her fertility, but only out of curiosity and shock that I continued the conversation. This was our first chat. Following this conversation, the nouns she used to reference me, I found to be highly inappropriate. Our marriage ended unfruitfully in divorce following our second conversation. I remain childless.
The point of this true story is to highlight the speed at which relationships can progress. This is dangerous. I know there have been well-documented cases of people getting married after only a few weeks of knowing each other and live a full life together happily married. The contrast may be true as long term relationships may end shortly after marriage. No one has all the answers, so take actions based on your personal convictions. I write based on my experiences and based on conversations with a counsellor. Should you take it slow, or full speed ahead in a relationship?
For the Ladies
- Wait. In a relationship, you are the prize. You should be chased, admired and treasured. You are less likely to receive this treatment if you move too fast. Imagine walking on the road one day and you find some cash totalling $5,000. You put out a notice but no one comes to claim the cash. It is yours to keep, all legal. Unfortunately a day later you were robbed of the same cash you found. How would you feel? Now imagine working for a month in the heat of the sun, to be paid the same $5,000 and you are robbed moments after being paid. How would you feel? In scenario one you will be disappointed, but it is hard to argue that the impact of the second case would be greater. The quality and quantity of the cash are the same, but the value to you is different, based on how hard you had to work for it. If you want to be valued by a man, you need to let him put in some effort. That way it will be harder for him to let you go. Easy come, easy go. Back in the day when I was hot as hell and had a body so chiselled gym trainers asked me how, there were a lot of interested candidates making a move. I didn’t like being chased, but that period taught me how aggressive girls can be when going after what they want. The way I felt about girls who came easy was reflected in the way they were treated and how short the interactions lasted. I must clarify that chasing does not mean you are easy, but how you do it indicates your self-value.
- Know what you want and identify what he wants. I have seen men put on a show for months, to get what he wants. If your car only needs a quick fix, he may be a mechanic and as such, it may be beneficial for you both to get the job done quickly. However, if you want something long term, the slower you move while dating, the easier it will be to identify what he wants. A mechanic will not stick around if your car doesn’t break down. It is also important to communicate to ensure that you are both on the same page with regards to your intentions.
- Consider his age. A typical man in his early 20s, is neither mentally, emotionally or financially ready for a long term commitment. While they may say otherwise, it may take them another decade to really be ready to settle down and start a family.
- Religion is important. Is he a Christian? if not his views on marriage and a monogamous relationship may not be favourable.
- Consider his relationship history. If he has never had a long term relationship, there may be a valid reason. Investigate. If he has been in a long term relationship, why did it end? Investigate. Does he have a history of infidelity? Investigate.
For the Gents
- Wait. Dem gyal yah wicked my youte!! While it may not be well known, women quickly grasp on to more favourable situations. Think about this; how many times have you approached a woman in a relationship only to receive a favourable response? Don’t be fooled into thinking such actions are limited to males. It may take a while for your to discover this, therefore, wait. Take it slow.
- Build self. We have a significant advantage over females when it comes to the duration of our fertile years. We also know exactly our intentions when we approach a woman. Don’t rush into any relationship. Establish yourself first and with financial stability and maturity, you will be highly desired.
- Identify red flags. If she is all about the money, red flag. If she has a history of infidelity, red flag. If she has close male friends, red flag. Exposes herself on, and is addicted to social media, red flag. Identifying all the red flags may take a lot of time. Take it slow.
While I encourage waiting and moving slowly in a relationship, delaying marriage and sex, this should be done while actively getting to know each other. The wait is always worth it. With regards to the young lady mentioned above, If she continues moving that quickly, she will bear more children for men who will leave, and her financial freedom will be further out of reach.