Category Archives: Jamaican

Equal Rights!

Recently, Jamaican dancehall artiste, Ishawna, has been the center of attention for her song “Equal Rights”. While I am a little late to the dinner party, I thought I would take a bite out of this cake of controversy as this tasty topic is often ignored. The song endorses cunnilingus and clearly indicates that if one expects to ‘receive’, one should also ‘give’. This is a fair point but does one expect a macho Jamaican man to stoop to such levels and openly admit it? Have a listen!

 

I recall writing an article about this very topic where I interviewed some Jamaican males and some were open to the idea. This indicates the changing views in the Jamaican culture. In the article I noted that a friend of mine was willing to have his name posted, but when the article was published, and friends started mocking him, he messaged me asking to be anonymous. Here is his comment when asked his views on cunnilingus:

Anonymous 4: “Yow pum pum fi eat! Mi naa hide an talk! Das why my girl love me enuh. All when e jaw dem big an yuh…”  (he was very descriptive).

The poll at the end of the article had 69% of the respondents (males) supporting cunnilingus. What a coincidence!

Most, however, still oppose openly. Jamaican men are very egocentric and macho, they view oral sex as being degrading and or emasculating. I found this to be particularly true when doing some surveys for the same topic using the female population. Literally every female asked, whether or not they have performed oral sex, support the activity. Why is it that women support the activity but men don’t? Let us look at the advantages and disadvantages of equal rights with regards to oral sex for  Jamaican men.

Advantages of supporting Equal Rights:

  1. Your female partner may finally cum!
  2. Possible reduced frequency of infidelity.
  3. You may receive more sex.
  4. Wetter is better. Foreplay will make sex more enjoyable for females. She doesn’t have to flick it, if you lick it before you kick it.

 

Disadvantages of supporting Equal Rights:

  1. Lose respect from your friends. Because, I mean, you HAVE to tell them about it.
  2. You may bruise your knees.
  3. Your tongue may get tired.
  4. If your wife wants to kill you, she may choke you with her thighs.
  5. Your partner will start to boss you around, you will lose the authority as man of the house and the power of the puss with reign! ha ha ha.

 

There are no real disadvantages. It all comes down to ego. Whether or not you support it, should be your decision, not society, not friends, not culture. If you don’t agree with it, don’t do it, and don’t ask for it. If you do agree, enjoy your meals.

 

– Aldeam Facey 2017

Unwritten Rules And Norms Of The Jamaican Culture

For such a small country, Jamaica has one of the richest cultures worldwide. While many try to duplicate, a significant portion of or norms can only be experienced here. Let’s Look at some of our norms that have been etched in our culture.

  • We have the remarkable ability to replicate the American accent when talking to Americans, or after a short stay in the country. Whether or not this is done well, is a very subjective matter.
  • It is perfectly legal to park the letter ‘h’ anywhere in a sentence. Example ‘Hi am feeling very appy’. 
  • Whenever you are at a shop in rural Jamaica, often times no one is present to sell you items. You indicate your need for service by shouting “Serve”. Someone will appear to help.
  • You do not have fried dumplings for dinner. They are good for breakfast only.
  • Guys can have a complete conversation using only the sound ‘ahh’.
  • You must acknowledge the national anthem before watching any movie at the Theatre. 
  • It is your right to convey that you are filled with the Holy Spirit by speaking in tongues when worshiping at a Pentecostal church, but not at a Catholic church.
  • More often than not, the biological father is absent from the household.
  • An effeminate male is immediately categorized as homosexual.
  • Rice and peas, with your choice of meat, is expected for Sunday dinner.
  • Ginger bulla, is eaten with pear (avocado).
  • Having multiple jobs is the norm.
  • If a vehicle “bad drives” you on the road, it is your duty to drive them down just so you can utter profanities at them.
  • Taxi drivers are known to be aggressive while driving. Make way.
  • Upon arrival from ‘foreign’, whichever country it may be, it is expected that you return bearing gifts.
  • There is absolutely nothing better that free food.
  • Everyone appreciates old Reggae Music.
  • We find being told negatives about our mothers to be especially offensive.
  • Most persons are not Rastafarians, most persons do not smoke weed and most persons rarely visit the beach. We find it surprising members of the international community believe those are norms.
  • The word ‘hush’ does not mean ‘shut up’. It is a sentiment of empathy. 
  • If someone is in our way when walking and we want to pass, we do not say ‘excuse me’ like the rest of the world, we say ‘sorry’. 
  • When singing the national anthem, it is ok to insert the sound ‘boom’  after ‘Jamaica’. Big up yuhself Omar McLeod. Boom! 

 

– Aldeam Facey 2016

Conflict Of Interest #7: Impregnating Two Women At Once – Part 1

This is a true story!

So we all know cheating is a big deal business in Jamaica. You are not a real Jamaican man until you have three ‘baby mommas’ you don’t care about.

 

So Matthew, 27, met a beautiful young lady, Samantha, 22, and wooed her panties to the floor. But other than falling in bed they fell in love and formed a ‘serious’ relationship. No one expected Matthew to joke around. But there is something powerful about vajay-jays that makes Jamaican men giddy headed. Matthew met another young lady, Sasha, mother of two children, and immediately fell into her. Of course, it was an accident. This accident happened over and over on the streets of an apparently busy highway, until the evidence of the mistake could no longer hide itself. She got pregnant. Naturally, the Jamaican thing for Matthew to do is to keep it a secret from Samantha for as many decades as possible, stressing about a possible revelation until he dies of a stroke. Okay so no big deal right? Wrong! Sasha is also in a committed relationship with the ‘father’ of her babies, a man who already questions the paternity of the children ‘given’ to him, who clearly lack the phenotypical characteristics that defines a father-child connection.

Sasha, naturally is afraid to tell her partner her big secret as he uses the machete very well and his mental stability has not been confirmed. So she presented the news to him in a brilliant fashion, ‘Babes, we havin a baby! I’m pregnant, for you’. Problem solved. We will get back to this later.

Matthew continued his relationship with Samantha and four months after Sasha got pregnant, Samantha had some good news for Matthew as well. Yes, you guessed it, Samantha found out she’s pregnant!…For ‘Matthew’.

At this point I’m sure Matthew shouted the very same profane words he did while he accidentally fell into those holes without head gear.

He eventually built the courage to tell his sisters that he got two women pregnant and without a doubt it was met with much surprise. No one else knew. Sasha’s baby, Kimberly, became Matthew’s first born and is loved by Matthew’s supportive sisters. It was a sibling secret and they kept their mother in the dark regarding the birth of Kimberly.

Months passed and Kimberly grew to become the clone of Matthew. So much so that Sasha’s physically abusive spouse is now asking for a DNA test. It is important to note that Sasha is a very close friend of the family, who often stays at the family house. Mathew had to break the secret to his mother, who resides overseas. But of course, he had to deliver the message in bite sizes. He told his mother Samantha is pregnant and was about to have his baby. Matthew’s mother was happy to hear such good news so he paused there for a bit.

This is where it gets interesting…

So Matthew’s mom decided to make a trip to Jamaica to meet her ‘first’ grand child, for whom she brought many gifts. She decided to have the entire family meet up at the family house. Samantha had just given birth to Shannele and they made the trip as well. It would have been a grand and happy time for stressed out Matthew except Sasha and Kimberly were staying at the house at the time.

Sasha and the siblings knew the whole story but the siblings eventually had to let their mother know. Much to her disappointment as she had given her heart and cash to Shanelle. It is important to note that during the visit Sasha felt so left out and unwanted, that she left. But to this day, Samantha is unaware that her child is not Matthews first.

Should he tell her knowing it would mean the end of their relationship?

Should Sasha tell her spouse?

In my view, to be honest, the truth sometimes really really hurts. Lets hope this is resolved soon, without injuries.

I can’t say I am excited to see how this story ends but it does encourage me to keep it in my pants until it rots.

I am an independent observer/advisor of the events. All names have been changed for privacy.

 

– Aldeam Facey (The Real Jamaican Man) 2016

 

Rebecca Black, Is So White!

So its Friday! The day ‘nine to fivers’ look forward to weekly. My contentment led me to the popular video site Youtube.com, in search of a song that reflects my mood. I searched for ‘Friday’ and I found a song that was released in 2011 by a wonderful little white girl called Rebecca Black. The song surely brought a smile to my face as I listened to the pure, innocent lyrics.

The song is so amazing and I don’t know why millions of persons hate it so much. One should be awarded for such brilliant creativity. To top it off Rebecca’s vocals are on point with Beyoncé Knowles, Whitney Houston, Celine Dion and those big shot singers. So intrigued was I, that I had to press the like button on the video. Youtube.com did a very strange thing that I had never seen before. It asked ‘Are you sure you want to like this video?” and I clicked yes then subscribed for more. To demonstrate why I love this song so much, just look at the some of the lyrics:

[Verse 1: Rebecca Black]
7am, waking up in the morning
Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs
Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal
Seein’ everything, the time is goin’
Tickin’ on and on, everybody’s rushin’
Gotta get down to the bus stop
Gotta catch my bus, I see my friends (My friends)
Kicking it in the front seat
Sitting in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?

These are everyday problems we face in developing countries like Jamaica. We can all relate, that’s why the song is such a big hit here. 

Even with our luxurious taxis, when one arrives at the taxi stand, everyone just stops and looks at it because no one knows whether to kick it in the front seat or kick it in the back. Sigh, life is so hard.

[Hook: Rebecca Black]
It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin’ down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend

Sentiments with which we can all agree. 

[Bridge: Rebecca Black]
Yesterday was Thursday
Today is Friday
We so excited! We so excited
We gonna have a ball today
Tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwards
I don’t want this weekend to end!

Like a bridge over troubled waters! Dah bridge yah bad! ‘Yesterday was Thursday Today is Friday’ Sounds like something Grace Jackson would say! Probably that’s why I like this Black girl so much enuh. Then she goes on to remind us that ‘Tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwards‘. Such deep and powerful words! This girl deserves a Grammy ASAP! 

Yow unu pree di song!

If the song was any Whiter, it would be transparent. That is how pure and real Friday appears.

It doesn’t ever get much Whiter than this. I can’t wait for Saturday to be released. Rebecca, keep doing what you doing! You Rock!

 

– Aldeam Facey 2016

 

Jamaica’s Online Community Had No Mercy, On Grace

Unless you are living under the ‘Tobago side of Trinidad’, you would have heard of how lovely Grace Jackson’s commentary at the Rio Olympics have been. So the Olympics are officially over and I have not been sleeping well since then. I miss the soothing voice of Grace, her accurate analysis of the races and her use of repetition to ensure we never miss her point.

Grace Jackson is a well decorated, retired Jamaican athlete who competed in the 1984, 1988 and 1992 Olympic games. She earned a silver medal in the 1988 Olympic games in the 200m. She placed second in that event, behind the first place finisher.

Our Jamaican language focuses on repetition for emphasis and clear understanding. For example if we wanted to say ‘That is a very big tree’ we may say ‘It is a big, big tree’. So it was no surprise to me that Grace, an authentic Jamaican, would repeat a few words.

It was a great honor for Grace to be selected to do the commentary at the Rio Olympics this year. Given her experience in the participation and administration of athletics, no one dared to question her competence or request any vetting. We didn’t know what to expect, but she did her job and she did it …graciously.

The online community in Jamaica, however, had a grand time mocking Grace for what they perceived to be the worst commentary of all time. How rude. Some of the popular tweets can be seen below:

grace

 

Okay, so they are hilarious!

It is said that when in Jamaica, do what the Jamaicans do. So I had my fair share of the fun as I tweeted the following:

Screenshot_2016-08-30-13-03-35

I trust they will do the right thing and allow her to commentate during the Japan Olympics 2020.

 

– Aldeam Facey 2016 (Satire)

 

Facebook Likes And Pokes: What Do They Mean?

So there I was, stalking her on Facebook. She is so beautiful, captivating and intelligent. I had been stalking her for years, too shy to make a move. I often wondered if she would like a shy guy, the kind of guy, who would always be her’s. Oh Lawd have mercy… mercy ….mercy! I just had to have her. One day she posted a picture! I swooped in for the kill. LIKE! I liked her picture and to seal the deal I made a comment in the event the ‘like’ got ‘lost’. “This is lovely, I REALLY like this”. She innocently replied ‘Aww thanks’, not knowing the large number of babies I wanted to make with her. Her interpretation of the ‘like’ was completely different when compared to mine. This got me thinking, what does a like mean?

I’ve seen posts on Facebook of mass shootings and acts of terrorism receive likes. I can recall posting a story of my grandfather’s death and it received many likes. Does that mean they like the fact that I shared the story, or do they like the story itself? I don’t believe these people ‘like’ the occasion. In such a case a ‘support’ button would be more applicable.

Pokes, what are they? At first I thought it was a way to keep in ‘touch’ with friends with whom you don’t really want to have a conversation. Then I thought it was a weird way for a really shy guy to tell a girl he likes her. But I’ve been poking this girl back and forth for about two years now and it has not yet been fruitful. It’s time we turn that virtual poke into a literal one if you know what I mean. Giggidy!

What does a like or a poke mean for you?

 

-Aldeam Facey 2016