sex – Life of a Jamaican

Equal Rights!

Recently, Jamaican dancehall artiste, Ishawna, has been the center of attention for her song “Equal Rights”. While I am a little late to the dinner party, I thought I would take a bite out of this cake of controversy as this tasty topic is often ignored. The song endorses cunnilingus and clearly indicates that if one expects to ‘receive’, one should also ‘give’. This is a fair point but does one expect a macho Jamaican man to stoop to such levels and openly admit it? Have a listen!

I recall writing an article about this very topic where I interviewed some Jamaican males and some were open to the idea. This indicates the changing views in the Jamaican culture. In the article I noted that a friend of mine was willing to have his name posted, but when the article was published, and friends started mocking him, he messaged me asking to be anonymous. Here is his comment when asked his views on cunnilingus:

Anonymous 4: “Yow pum pum fi eat! Mi naa hide an talk! Das why my girl love me enuh. All when e jaw dem big an yuh…” (he was very descriptive).

The poll at the end of the article had 69% of the respondents (males) supporting cunnilingus. What a coincidence!

Most, however, still oppose openly. Jamaican men are very egocentric and macho, they view oral sex as being degrading and or emasculating. I found this to be particularly true when doing some surveys for the same topic using the female population. Literally every female asked, whether or not they have performed oral sex, support the activity. Why is it that women support the activity but men don’t? Let us look at the advantages and disadvantages of equal rights with regards to oral sex for Jamaican men.

Advantages of supporting Equal Rights:

Your female partner may finally cum!
Possible reduced frequency of infidelity.
You may receive more sex.
Wetter is better. Foreplay will make sex more enjoyable for females. She doesn’t have to flick it, if you lick it before you kick it.

Disadvantages of supporting Equal Rights:

Lose respect from your friends. Because, I mean, you HAVE to tell them about it.
You may bruise your knees.
Your tongue may get tired.
If your wife wants to kill you, she may choke you with her thighs.
Your partner will start to boss you around, you will lose the authority as man of the house and the power of the puss with reign! ha ha ha.

There are no real disadvantages. It all comes down to ego. Whether or not you support it, should be your decision, not society, not friends, not culture. If you don’t agree with it, don’t do it, and don’t ask for it. If you do agree, enjoy your meals.

– Aldeam Facey 2017

Conflict Of Interest #7: Impregnating Two Women At Once – Part 1

This is a true story!

So we all know cheating is a big deal business in Jamaica. You are not a real Jamaican man until you have three ‘baby mommas’ you don’t care about.

So Matthew, 27, met a beautiful young lady, Samantha, 22, and wooed her panties to the floor. But other than falling in bed they fell in love and formed a ‘serious’ relationship. No one expected Matthew to joke around. But there is something powerful about vajay-jays that makes Jamaican men giddy headed. Matthew met another young lady, Sasha, mother of two children, and immediately fell into her. Of course, it was an accident. This accident happened over and over on the streets of an apparently busy highway, until the evidence of the mistake could no longer hide itself. She got pregnant. Naturally, the Jamaican thing for Matthew to do is to keep it a secret from Samantha for as many decades as possible, stressing about a possible revelation until he dies of a stroke. Okay so no big deal right? Wrong! Sasha is also in a committed relationship with the ‘father’ of her babies, a man who already questions the paternity of the children ‘given’ to him, who clearly lack the phenotypical characteristics that defines a father-child connection.

Sasha, naturally is afraid to tell her partner her big secret as he uses the machete very well and his mental stability has not been confirmed. So she presented the news to him in a brilliant fashion, ‘Babes, we havin a baby! I’m pregnant, for you’. Problem solved. We will get back to this later.

Matthew continued his relationship with Samantha and four months after Sasha got pregnant, Samantha had some good news for Matthew as well. Yes, you guessed it, Samantha found out she’s pregnant!…For ‘Matthew’.

At this point I’m sure Matthew shouted the very same profane words he did while he accidentally fell into those holes without head gear.

He eventually built the courage to tell his sisters that he got two women pregnant and without a doubt it was met with much surprise. No one else knew. Sasha’s baby, Kimberly, became Matthew’s first born and is loved by Matthew’s supportive sisters. It was a sibling secret and they kept their mother in the dark regarding the birth of Kimberly.

Months passed and Kimberly grew to become the clone of Matthew. So much so that Sasha’s physically abusive spouse is now asking for a DNA test. It is important to note that Sasha is a very close friend of the family, who often stays at the family house. Mathew had to break the secret to his mother, who resides overseas. But of course, he had to deliver the message in bite sizes. He told his mother Samantha is pregnant and was about to have his baby. Matthew’s mother was happy to hear such good news so he paused there for a bit.

This is where it gets interesting…

So Matthew’s mom decided to make a trip to Jamaica to meet her ‘first’ grand child, for whom she brought many gifts. She decided to have the entire family meet up at the family house. Samantha had just given birth to Shannele and they made the trip as well. It would have been a grand and happy time for stressed out Matthew except Sasha and Kimberly were staying at the house at the time.

Sasha and the siblings knew the whole story but the siblings eventually had to let their mother know. Much to her disappointment as she had given her heart and cash to Shanelle. It is important to note that during the visit Sasha felt so left out and unwanted, that she left. But to this day, Samantha is unaware that her child is not Matthews first.

Should he tell her knowing it would mean the end of their relationship?

Should Sasha tell her spouse?

In my view, to be honest, the truth sometimes really really hurts. Lets hope this is resolved soon, without injuries.

I can’t say I am excited to see how this story ends but it does encourage me to keep it in my pants until it rots.

I am an independent observer/advisor of the events. All names have been changed for privacy.

– Aldeam Facey (The Real Jamaican Man) 2016

Conflict of Interest #6: Donating Sperm To A Lesbian Couple

A challenge that is faced by homosexual couples is the inability to naturally reproduce genetically related offspring without violating their sexual orientation or the use of a surrogate. Lesbian couples are pronounced especially around the major cities in Jamaica. Due to the gender bias that exist in the island, Lesbian couples are not targeted as much as gay men and can more often be seen together in public.

A sexually promiscuous colleague of mine, who gave me the approval to use his dilemma in this conflict of interest series, was asked to donate semen to a Lesbian couple. At first I didn’t believe this nonsense but the truth lies in the details, which I found very interesting.
So the couple wants to get pregnant right now and asked my friend to assist in the process. Upon hearing I comically asked “why aren’t they pregnant yet?” The details provided some insight. The agreement was that he would please himself and release the associated juices in a container or please himself and finish inside the vagina of each woman. What a dreadful task! They also indicated that he would have no part of the child’s life, no need to support in anyway.
Knowing how sexually promiscuous and immoral my friend is, it puzzled me to know the girls were still not pregnant. My friend said he is not sure he wants to do it as he does not want to have a baby across the world he doesn’t know about.
Aldeam: “So wouldn’t that make you a typical Jamaican man?”
Anonymous doner: “No sah mi nuh inna dat.”
I think some of my good morals rubbing off on this fellow! I wish more of our men were like that.

What would you do?

Update:

He donated!

-Aldeam Facey 2015

Masturbation: The Touchy Topic

I’m sure you have heard of ‘flicking the bud’, ‘scratching the itch’, ‘rubbing one out’ or ‘taking matters into one’s own hand’. Whatever phrase you use to describe it, masturbation is a very well-known activity. Most persons are embarrassed to even speak of it, which raises the question, is masturbation a sin? Is it wrong to masturbate? When temptation arises, is it wrong to find escape in the palms of one’s self?

When I was just a young boy, many moons ago I found some strange changes were taking place in my body. Hair started to grow where bare plains reigned, the berry became blacker and suddenly the ‘weak ones’ took my strength. The boring, egocentric beings became the interesting vessel, the potential receptacle that may rule or ruin my life as I knew it. Being born in the church, holding morals so close to my heart I abstained from such temptations, but I found myself wondering “should I peel this banana plantain to satisfy my hunger?” With no one to commune with but God, who may not provide the answers needed in as obvious a manner as one would prefer, who gives us the freedom to choose and accept the resulting prize or sanctions, I was confused. Later, ministers made mention of it at church and I wrote in stone the 11th commandment: “Touch not thyself “.

But is masturbation wrong? Let us take a look at the history of masturbation.

Masturbation has been around for millenniums and many records convey various myths relating to the activity. In ancient Egypt, when the God’s masturbate it was believed to be a magical act. They believed the universe was created by the god Atum after he masturbated until he ejaculated (Are we living on a ball of hardened cum?). They also believed the flow of the river Nile was a direct contribution of his frequent ejaculations. Pharaohs, at one point, were required to masturbate ceremonially into the Nile.

The ancient Greeks thought Masturbation was a valve to release sexual frustration.This relaxed view of masturbation changed gradually as in the 1600s nannies used the technique of masturbation to induce sleep in the young boys for whom they cared. By the 18th century it was considered self-abuse that would cause an array of diseases. Medications were sold in attempt to ‘cure’ masturbation. Published articles stated that semen was an essential oil, the loss of which had a vast list of dysfunctions, including weakness. It is interesting that even today we still associate the presence of “oil” with incredible strength as during a casual football game, a hard kick of the ball is usually followed by shouts of ‘to much oil inna di back, man naa get nutn’. A sentence assuming one’s strength is negatively associated with sexual activity.

Inventions were employed to prevent boys from masturbating. Students could not cross legs in class and girls were not allowed to ride bicycles or horses because of the assumed sexual sensations. Ladies, do you get a high from riding bicycles or horses? Rumors that masturbation caused blindness, prevents growth and hairy hands were spread and these myths are widely used in comedy today. It was even believed that masturbation caused homosexuality! Like homosexuality, masturbation was a crime punishable by death in the 1600s

In the early 1900 men started to masturbate to prove false what many held as gospel. They found that it did not cause any illnesses. Given that medical care was not half as advanced back in those days and many diseases threatened lives, it was easy to make an association between masturbation and the prevalence of these diseases. They did not investigate the real cause.

Modern studies have found masturbation to be a very healthy act. The disadvantage that was found is that it prevents individuals from enjoying actual sex once they have become accustomed to masturbation.

What does the Bible say about masturbation?

Nothing.

The bible says nothing, at least not directly, relating to masturbation. Genesis 38:9 which is thought to be the first recorded method of contraception is the closest reference. The bible however clearly defines lustful thoughts as sin: Matthew 5: 28 “But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” Masturbation is often accompanied by lustful thoughts and that is what makes it sinful. Can one masturbate without lustful thoughts? Verse 29 goes on to say “And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.” If this text was obeyed, I suppose we’d be slipping on bananas all day.

The covenant God made with his people required circumcision of all males. Circumcision is believed to aid in the prevention of masturbation. Could this be a deliberate attempt by God to prevent the activity?

So, what are your thoughts? Select an answer below and leave a comment.

– Aldeam Facey 2015

My Response To The 100 Year old Virgin

Last week the Gleaner published an article describing a 100 year old virgin. In the article the said virgin indicated that she gave her life to God and that she was never attracted to any man. This is perfectly fine and she must be commended for her strength and for practicing what she preaches which is much more than some of US Christians can say.
I was inspired to write this to replace a scheduled post after a conversation with a deeply religious, super spiritual Pentecostal friend of mine. Let us call her Anonymous A.

Anonymous A: “Hey Aldeam have you seen the article about the 100 year old virgin?”

Me: “Yea I have”

Anonymous A: “Like omg! How does she do that? I could never wait that long”

Me: “Really? Would you wait until say 40?”

Anonymous A:” yuh mad, no!”

Me: “30?”

Anonymous A: “No”

She is very old, just about my age so not much time left.

Tic toc, tic toc.

It is interesting to note the attention placed on this issue. A lady obeys God’s command, which we all should do and she is placed in the Gleaner for it. A few years ago there were 2 ladies, both virgins one 30 and the other 35. They were featured on religious hard talk! Featured! So if one wants to be on television all one has to do is abstain? Wow.
It is also interesting to note that all of these featured virgins are women. I am yet to see a feature on a male virgin who is over 30 years of age. Do these mystical creatures exist? I think there should be a balance between the stigma attached to female premarital sex and male premarital sex.

These are my confessions

When I was a first year student at UWI, I had never seen the insides of a woman, never felt the warm moist clench of the muscle on my muscle. One day in a group conversation in front of the IFLT (Lecture Theatre), a very large busted, Rastafarian girl loudly asked me if I was a virgin. She recognized the innocence in my words, the curiosity in my questioning and was surprised that one could be so ignorant. I felt ashamed, I did not fit in, I was not apart of the fellowship at that time due to my distant commute. I felt like I was doing something wrong by not doing something wrong. Why though? It happened again a few weeks ago while playing a certain sport with a certain group of friends, a young lady asked me “Aldeam are you a virgin”. This was greeted with laughter and very curious eyes, the question was so professionally evaded.

Guys, if you are ‘pure’ sexually speaking, don’t be swayed by the pressure of friends. Do not heed to the temptation, sexual addiction is real. I can’t promise you vaginas in heaven (no sex) but there is joy beyond our imaginations. If you have already tapped the well, as hard as it is a pause is always possible.

The 100 year old virgin is a former school teacher and a proud member of the Seventh Day Adventist Church.

– Aldeam Facey 2015

An Investigation of the Increased Frequency of Vaginal ‘Consumption’ Among Jamaican Men: A Pilot Survey

Jamaica has for years embraced the culture of “oral sex rejection”, men forbidden to taste the juices of the labia, women frowned upon for taking the pole in the other hole. The nation’s opposition was clearly expressed in the music and 15 years ago one would not expect a public confession relating to the matter. It is clear the level of acceptance has increased as time progresses so I thought it would be a good idea to ask a few men their views. The responses are summarized below:

These individuals were randomly selected but I made sure I had a diverse mix, Christian, Rastafarian, Non-religious etc. They were asked “What are your views on cunnilingus and do you partake in such activities”. They were assured they had the right not to answer any questions and if they agreed, their names will not be used without permission. Here are the responses:

Anonymous 1: “Bwoy If mi wife seh she want it enuh, and she must have it, then I will do it, but I won’t suggest it. I have to make sure she is satisfied at home to prevent her from cheating.”

So he is basically saying he is going to hold his wife at home…with his tongue!

Chad: “Yow mi nuh know enuh.” nervously looks away. “I have no views.. I doe know.” looks away “I …I …”

Guilt was written all over his face.

Don: “When you have yuh wife, you affi love every part a har.”

Every Part!

Anonymous 2: “Boy mi nuh inna dat enuh. Yow doa use mi name enuh.”

“He seemed a little uncomfortable.”

Vin: “Yow inna di ghetto weh mi grow up every man seh fire pon dem ting deh enuh. But now a days people a do it more and more. Mi neva dweet yet still but…”

Interrupted but based on the progress of that conversation I’ll classify him as; Unsure.

Anonymous 3: “People do what dem waa do enuh, mi nuh see ntn wrong with it”

Translation: Mi do weh mi waa do enuh, I eat if I waa eat.

A group of 3 guys, Anonymous 2 was also present as he wanted to hear what the others had to say.

David: “I don’t see anything wrong with it”

Anonymous 2: “Fi real as long as you doing it with just that one girl”

Anonymous 4: “Yow pum pum fi eat! Mi naa hide an talk! Das why my girl love me enuh. All when e jaw dem big an yuh…” PG – It was also interesting to note the increased moisture around his mouth as he made his rant.

Anonymous 2: “Yow mi did have dis Trini girl and she wanted to do it. I told her she may but I won’t do it back. Knowing that I am not into it, she touched herself and wiped her juices all over my face. But mi tell my faada long time seh mi naa dweet still but ntn nuh really wrong with it. A man and a woman can do anything dem want as long as no anus is involved”

Anonymous 4: “No, man and woman can do anything even in the bottom”

Anonymous 2: “If yuh dweet inna woman bottom, yuh a still ‘IT’. My youte you a IT”

“IT” in this case was used to refer to homosexuality. The conversation got even deeper but in sticking to the point that is all I will share.

Rasta: “Before we get personal let us look at the wider issue from an intellectual perspective and define the…..”

He went on and on but did not answer a single question. Why did he so obviously avoid the question? Could the Rasta be a consumer of the “Porky”?

Pablo: Well I don’t support it. Based on my culture, how I grew up I just despise the idea. The women I have been with were able to climax without oral intervention (inserts rant about sexual prowess here). Also the smell of the Vagina I have encountered isn’t very pleasing”

Personal hygiene is very important.

So based on this pilot survey a whopping %70 of respondents are supportive of cunnilingus. Not all the responses can be noted here but when in a group I observed that men are more likely to oppose oral sex. It was also noted that when one individual confesses, the others present are more likely to have an open mind regarding the topic. I would like to do a follow-up using females, at the end of which I may express my personal views.

Sex has become like an extreme sport. Persons are doing “weird” and abnormal things to find pleasure. Is this associated with pornography and sexual promiscuity? The “ordinary” now appears boring and new fields are being explored. There are even talks about scheduled meetings of the anus and the tongue! That sounds very disgusting, but will it, 20 years from now? Sex was designed for a man and his wife, what they do in the bedroom is really their business, but even so, should there be a limit? Lets talk about it, what are your views? Comment below. Men, please click an answer below so we may have much more representative data.

– Aldeam Facey 2015

Poem: My Very Expressive Neighbors

I’m not one to count the strokes of life,

Not the curious cat who listens to his neighbor’s wife.

I’m not the one who opposes shouts of affirmative confirmation,

But at three in the morning, I would prefer silent meditation.

I’ve never met you personally, but I already know your name,

And with shouts of “Oh Lord” and ” Oh Jesus”, I know our God’s the same.

Just hearing the sounds I know this man is very clever,

He knows exactly where to put it as he shouts “A de bess sumthn dis ever”.

I didn’t know that cocks crow this early,

But based on his crows I know the gate is pearly.

Patiently I wait for the pearly gates to be shut,

But they seem to believe they live in an isolated hut.

They don’t appear to realize that children are around,

Who will wake mommy or daddy asking “why are they making that sound?”

I’m not one to point you out in the crowd.

But my dear neighbors, you are way….way too loud!

– Aldeam Facey 2015