Jamaican Nicknames

My grandmother is so nice they call her Miss Nicey, her sister is so cool,  they call her Miss Cooly, their brother is so hard they call him Maas Rocky. Given that I am so awesome, will they eventually call me…. Awe-sy!?

Nickname

In the lower and middle class Jamaican society, where bureaucracy and hierarchy fail to prevail, where regular informal conversations form the basis of relationships, Christian names are seldom used. In lieu of the Christian name, a name descriptive of a physical characteristic, occupation or some other defining personal trait is used. This is done because these names are much easier to remember and often times they are very funny.
Let us look at some examples
Sellers on the street are called by the names of the items they sell followed by the word ‘man’ . In some cases they are called by the adverb of the item they sell. A man selling juice will be called either ‘Juice-man’ or ‘Juicy’ (if the seller is female only ‘Juicy’ is used). There are no written rules for this form of nomenclature but a Jamaican always know the correct terms to use. If a gentleman sells mangoes in the market, he is called ‘Mango-man’ not ‘Mango-y’ because that just doesn’t sound right.
A guy passes my home every Sunday selling Gleaner magazines. I purchase from him, usually weekly, but sadly never asked his name, but when ever I see him and give him a hail ‘Gleaner-man’ works just fine. He is not offended because it defines his occupation.

Personal Nicknames
There are Nicknames not associated with one’s occupation and are purely bases on one’s character. These names follow the same aforementioned ‘rules’. If you are a tall male be prepared to be called ‘Tall-man’. If you are short it will likely be ‘Short-man’ or ‘Shorty’

There was a case where a young man was sexually abused by another person. To date he is called ‘Victim’.
The horizontal distance between the corners of a certain young man’s lips is far greater than that of the normal population, he is called ‘Fish-mouth’ When I was young a few relatives called me ‘Peas head’ or ‘Peasy’ but due to its literal inaccuracy, it did not catch on.
These Nicknames are meant to be either embarrassing or catchy and can often result in fights.

What are some of the funny or embarrassing nicknames you have been called or have heard? Comment below.

– Aldeam Facey 2015

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Lady driven cars: Are they better?

So I was in a taxi the other day and a car was driving very slowly ahead of the taxi. This was ‘draining’ the taxi driver’s pocket, so he was not too pleased about it. He cursed “*hiss teeth* a mus wan woman a drive dat”. The opportunity presented itself in the form of a small gap and the driver initiated the overtaking process. Though time was not on his side, when the cars were parallel to each other the driver looked to the left and realized it was actually a man driving. To the taxi driver’s surprise he shouted ‘a weh di buh…’ as he called out to the poor guy using a noun which defines his assumed sexuality and questioned the location he received his driving lessons.

Lady driven

Frequently the ads for motor vehicles have written as a major pro, “lady driven”. Am I to assume that given that a lady is behind the wheel, the car is in a better condition? Is the mileage lower just because a woman is driving? I disagree. The assumption is based on the fact that women are more likely to drive carefully when compared with men, but this is not always true. The lady drivers I am associated with are not at all light footed and I I were to created an ad for their car I would include ‘angry lady driven’ instead.

Generally speaking men like the thrill of speed. They like when the vehicles they are driving ‘listen when they talk’ as it may be the only thing that does, especially if they are married. Consequently, a lot of care is given to the vehicles men drive. I can always hear them talking about it, changing tires, rims, adding lights and servicing. Women simply drive, generally speaking.

When making a purchase one of the most important things to consider is the mileage. Also important are the potential resale value, gas mileage, accident history and year of the model. Whether or not a woman drove the car is as important as the car matching your favorite shirt. Make your assessments yourself and have an independent valuation done before making a payment. Once you have selected and purchased your most suitable car, drive carefully and when you drive by try not to splash me.

– Aldeam Facey

Masturbation: The Touchy Topic

I’m sure you have heard of ‘flicking the bud’, ‘scratching the itch’, ‘rubbing one out’ or ‘taking matters into one’s own hand’. Whatever phrase you use to describe it, masturbation is a very well-known activity. Most persons are embarrassed to even speak of it, which raises the question, is masturbation a sin? Is it wrong to masturbate? When temptation arises, is it wrong to find escape in the palms of one’s self?

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When I was just a young boy, many moons ago I found some strange changes were taking place in my body. Hair started to grow where bare plains reigned, the berry became blacker and suddenly the ‘weak ones’ took my strength. The boring, egocentric beings became the interesting vessel, the potential receptacle that may rule or ruin my life as I knew it. Being born in the church, holding morals so close to my heart I abstained from such temptations, but I found myself wondering “should I peel this banana plantain to satisfy my hunger?” With no one to commune with but God, who may not provide the answers needed in as obvious a manner as one would prefer, who gives us the freedom to choose and accept the resulting prize or sanctions, I was confused. Later, ministers made mention of it at church and I wrote in stone the 11th commandment: “Touch not thyself “.

But is masturbation wrong? Let us take a look at the history of masturbation.

Masturbation has been around for millenniums and many records convey various myths relating to the activity. In ancient Egypt, when the God’s masturbate it was believed to be a magical act. They believed the universe was created by the god Atum after he masturbated until he ejaculated (Are we living on a ball of hardened cum?). They also believed the flow of the river Nile was a direct contribution of his frequent ejaculations. Pharaohs, at one point, were required to masturbate ceremonially into the Nile.

The ancient Greeks thought Masturbation was a valve to release sexual frustration.This relaxed view of masturbation changed gradually as in the 1600s nannies used the technique of masturbation to induce sleep in the young boys for whom they cared. By the 18th century it was considered self-abuse that would cause an array of diseases. Medications were sold in attempt to ‘cure’ masturbation. Published articles stated that semen was an essential oil, the loss of which had a vast list of dysfunctions, including weakness. It is interesting that even today we still associate the presence of “oil” with incredible strength as during a casual football game, a hard kick of the ball is usually followed by shouts of ‘to much oil inna di back, man naa get nutn’. A sentence assuming one’s strength is negatively associated with sexual activity.

Inventions were employed to prevent boys from masturbating. Students could not cross legs in class and girls were not allowed to ride bicycles or horses because of the assumed sexual sensations. Ladies, do you get a high from riding bicycles or horses? Rumors that masturbation caused blindness, prevents growth and hairy hands were spread and these myths are widely used in comedy today. It was even believed that masturbation caused homosexuality! Like homosexuality, masturbation was a crime punishable by death in the 1600s

In the early 1900 men started to masturbate to prove false what many held as gospel. They found that it did not cause any illnesses. Given that medical care was not half as advanced back in those days and many diseases threatened lives, it was easy to make an association between masturbation and the prevalence of these diseases. They did not investigate the real cause.

Modern studies have found masturbation to be a very healthy act. The disadvantage that was found is that it prevents individuals from enjoying actual sex once they have become accustomed to masturbation.

What does the Bible say about masturbation?

Nothing.

The bible says nothing, at least not directly, relating to masturbation. Genesis 38:9 which is thought to be the first recorded method of contraception is the closest reference. The bible however clearly defines lustful thoughts as sin: Matthew 5: 28 “But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” Masturbation is often accompanied by lustful thoughts and that is what makes it sinful. Can one masturbate without lustful thoughts? Verse 29 goes on to say “And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.” If this text was obeyed, I suppose we’d be slipping on bananas all day.

The covenant God made with his people required circumcision of all males. Circumcision is believed to aid in the prevention of masturbation. Could this be a deliberate attempt by God to prevent the activity?

So, what are your thoughts? Select an answer below and leave a comment.

– Aldeam Facey 2015

UWI’s New Hall Requires Prepayments Two Months in Advance!

In my previous article related to the new hall by ‘138 student living’, I expressed my disappointment at the high cost of accommodation. My disappointment was further emphasized based on some information I recently received. It appears they are really serious about their business and are already screening out the poor who hastily applied without knowledge of the cost.
A very close friend of mine, who I must say is living on the other side, where the grass is greener, received her letter of acceptance earlier today. In the letter she was congratulated for being accepted after having passed the status verification process! The letter went on to state that if she wants to secure her accommodation she is required to pay 395 USD on or before the 19th of June! So, she was given 2 weeks notice to pay over 46,000 JMD and this payment is NON-REFUNDABLE!

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The company is looking out for its best interest. They want to ensure that individuals who apply and are accepted, are willing and able to pay the required rent. This may be good news for investors but a nightmare for those who were just saving towards their accommodation. They are already screening out the lower and middle class to make rooms available to society’s most elite. They are obviously looking for persons with serious cash available long in advance.
I believe, however that non-refundable payments two months in advance is quite unreasonable. I had never been required to do so when living at the Marlene Hamilton hall, AZ Preston hall or the Elsa Leo Rhynie hall and those places of residence are quite successful.

While I am not pleased with the high cost, which reminds me how far down the food chain I stand, I do hope UWI reaps the rewards of its investment.

– Aldeam Facey 2015

Why We Believe What We Believe

Do we simply accept beliefs based on our culture without personal verification?

Over the years I have noticed that humans tend to accept beliefs which justify their lifestyles. This is contrasting to adjusting ones lifestyle to conform to written laws or truths, the basis of Christianity. It is surprising however, that many Christian denominations also choose to believe based on lifestyle instead of the contrary. All this is based on the fact that we all want to be accepted, firstly by ourselves, we want to be comfortable, minimize the guilt of our consciences, which is totally dependent on one’s belief.

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Look at it from a more practical point of view, homosexuals tend to be atheist, there is no such thing as a Christian gay. Pentecostal, Baptist and so on tend to ignore Leviticus 11, Seventh day Adventist are skewed towards accepting a more republican society.

Can ones belief be changed? Why do we initially believe what we believe?

Our young minds are easily influenced by those within close proximity, especially those who are older. As children we mindlessly accept the beliefs of our parents or guardians, these beliefs seldom change as we grow older. When they do change, it is the influence of experience and or research which is the cause of this change. If I was born a Jew, it is likely I’d be a Jew right now. Likewise if I was born in another church, or born in a family of atheists it is more likely that I would be apart of whatever group I was initially associated with.

But what is the truth?

I went on a quest to find the truth for myself. I was born being told that the Bible is true, that we must obey they laws, that we were made by God. Do I simply swallow the bread placed in my mouth? Or do I make attempt to verify? Not everything is known and research will continue until God comes. After studying the history of the Bible and how the books were compiled I concluded that it was as close to truth as any book we humans have available. So if this book is true, and in it lies instructions, it is my duty to obey. It is your duty as an intelligent human being to find the truth for yourself instead of mindlessly living without purpose. Based on my personal assessments the Seventh Day Adventist message is not flawed as it is based on the Bible, every part of it. Not one section is ignored even if it’s restrictions are not desired.

-Aldeam Facey 2015

How To Lose Weight

There are many programs which promise weight loss which don’t work for most people. But the issue of weight management is very simple. You need to understand the simple science behind weigh gain and weight loss. What you ‘put in’ is directly proportional to what you ‘put on’, provided that physical activity remains constant.

If you cannot decrease the quantity of food consumed, then you will need to exercise. If you cannot exercise due to time constrains or some other reason, then you will need to decrease your food intake. Yes it is that simple.

There are a number of disorders that influence increased fat storage and make it more difficult to lose weight these include:

Pregnancy

Insulin Resistance (Type 2 Diabetes)

Polycystic Ovary Syndrome

Hypothyroidism

Cushing’s Syndrome

Stress!

Alcohol Consumption

We Can Help

At the Department of Basic Medical Sciences, Biochemistry Section, we provide assessments (anthropometric and biochemical) that would be of great assistance in weight and fitness management. These services are offered for free!* So here is what we do: First we measure your blood pressure, height and weight using the most precise equipment available. We determine your body fat percentage, lean mass, risk of developing type 2 diabetes and the exact amount of calories needed to maintain current body weight with present level of activity. We also provide a breakdown of the calorie content of our most commonly consumed meals.

The biochemical analysis performed include HbA1c content (this is basically the amount of sugar attached to your red blood cells) and fasting glucose concentration (type 2 diabetes diagnosis). We also perform serum lipid analysis (total cholesterol, HDL, LDL, triglycerides) and various serum protein tests. Many other tests can be performed on request.

We will also recommend and connect you with professional trainers (their services are not free of cost).

This body of knowledge will form the basis of a more healthy and fulfilling life. To receive your free assessment contact me below:

You will be contacted within 12 hours.

*Conditions Apply

– Aldeam Facey 2015

Here Is Why I Do Not Eat East Indian Mangoes In Public

I absolutely love East Indian Mangoes, so much so that every week you can see me in the Papine Market ‘jus a feel up feel up weh mi mumma nuh bring’.
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Normally when eating I take my time, cutting just the right amount to put into my half-opened mouth. Eating in public at social events I carefully eat with a knife and a fork so I don’t invite any unwanted attention. At home I tend to be a little more nonchalant, not when eating cooked food, but when enjoying a huge East Indian Mango.

Mangoes
I have a very strange relationship with East Indian Mangoes, they make me unusually happy. Last week I bought a huge 2 pounder, she was a beauty, I took her home, placed her in the kitchen just to get her acclimatized and later that evening I took her to my room, locked the door and I ate her. She was so juicy! As I stripped her skin, held her, with her juices running down my hand cheeks and chest, I could taste her sweetness all the way in the back of my throat. She was very nice. But no, I did not stop there, I sucked her seed so white it looked like a brand new artist canvas. Sadness creeped over me when she was done. I am hooked.
It would be quite embarrassing for anyone to see me like that, there is no level of formality associated with my interactions with East Indian Mangoes. Based on my observations I am definitely not the only one.
Do you enjoy eating mangoes the way I do?

– Aldeam Facey 2015