Tag Archives: Jamaican

Conflict Of Interest #7: Impregnating Two Women At Once – Part 1

This is a true story!

So we all know cheating is a big deal business in Jamaica. You are not a real Jamaican man until you have three ‘baby mommas’ you don’t care about.

 

So Matthew, 27, met a beautiful young lady, Samantha, 22, and wooed her panties to the floor. But other than falling in bed they fell in love and formed a ‘serious’ relationship. No one expected Matthew to joke around. But there is something powerful about vajay-jays that makes Jamaican men giddy headed. Matthew met another young lady, Sasha, mother of two children, and immediately fell into her. Of course, it was an accident. This accident happened over and over on the streets of an apparently busy highway, until the evidence of the mistake could no longer hide itself. She got pregnant. Naturally, the Jamaican thing for Matthew to do is to keep it a secret from Samantha for as many decades as possible, stressing about a possible revelation until he dies of a stroke. Okay so no big deal right? Wrong! Sasha is also in a committed relationship with the ‘father’ of her babies, a man who already questions the paternity of the children ‘given’ to him, who clearly lack the phenotypical characteristics that defines a father-child connection.

Sasha, naturally is afraid to tell her partner her big secret as he uses the machete very well and his mental stability has not been confirmed. So she presented the news to him in a brilliant fashion, ‘Babes, we havin a baby! I’m pregnant, for you’. Problem solved. We will get back to this later.

Matthew continued his relationship with Samantha and four months after Sasha got pregnant, Samantha had some good news for Matthew as well. Yes, you guessed it, Samantha found out she’s pregnant!…For ‘Matthew’.

At this point I’m sure Matthew shouted the very same profane words he did while he accidentally fell into those holes without head gear.

He eventually built the courage to tell his sisters that he got two women pregnant and without a doubt it was met with much surprise. No one else knew. Sasha’s baby, Kimberly, became Matthew’s first born and is loved by Matthew’s supportive sisters. It was a sibling secret and they kept their mother in the dark regarding the birth of Kimberly.

Months passed and Kimberly grew to become the clone of Matthew. So much so that Sasha’s physically abusive spouse is now asking for a DNA test. It is important to note that Sasha is a very close friend of the family, who often stays at the family house. Mathew had to break the secret to his mother, who resides overseas. But of course, he had to deliver the message in bite sizes. He told his mother Samantha is pregnant and was about to have his baby. Matthew’s mother was happy to hear such good news so he paused there for a bit.

This is where it gets interesting…

So Matthew’s mom decided to make a trip to Jamaica to meet her ‘first’ grand child, for whom she brought many gifts. She decided to have the entire family meet up at the family house. Samantha had just given birth to Shannele and they made the trip as well. It would have been a grand and happy time for stressed out Matthew except Sasha and Kimberly were staying at the house at the time.

Sasha and the siblings knew the whole story but the siblings eventually had to let their mother know. Much to her disappointment as she had given her heart and cash to Shanelle. It is important to note that during the visit Sasha felt so left out and unwanted, that she left. But to this day, Samantha is unaware that her child is not Matthews first.

Should he tell her knowing it would mean the end of their relationship?

Should Sasha tell her spouse?

In my view, to be honest, the truth sometimes really really hurts. Lets hope this is resolved soon, without injuries.

I can’t say I am excited to see how this story ends but it does encourage me to keep it in my pants until it rots.

I am an independent observer/advisor of the events. All names have been changed for privacy.

 

– Aldeam Facey (The Real Jamaican Man) 2016

 

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Is He Racist?

I have never really been exposed to racism in Jamaica, where it pretty much doesn’t exist. Here we have ‘classism’, and yes I have been exposed, being at the bottom of the food chain. So, apparently I have readers all over the world, to my surprise. A few days ago a young man contacted me using the ‘CONTACT ME’ tab. The message he sent me is copied below. Note, his contact information has been removed. He provided his email and phone number.

“Comment: I am a white 16 year old that has a fascinating interest in Jamaican Niggers. I would love to learn more. pLease call me.”

Um… Niggers? Confused. I didn’t know what more he wanted to learn but I wasn’t too pleased that he used the term ‘Jamaican Niggers’, especially given that he is white. I really didn’t know how to respond.

My response Via Email
Hi, Kevin, I am a black 20 something year old who has a fascinating interest in Crackers. Yes, I love Crackers. Especially the tough water Crackers with some hot Milo tea. I would love to have some more right now.

– Aldeam Facey 2016

Should We Scam Them?

The Jamaican law enforcers have been working very hard to combat the rise in the lottery scams that have been associated with the nation in recent years. While I believe it is silly that persons actually get tricked by these scammers I cannot help but frown upon this unlawful and unethical behavior. Living on the side of life where the grass isn’t greener, I entertain thoughts of how I can make an extra change. As blacks we struggle to make it in this world, we have been placed at the 200 meter start line in the race to success while the whites start at the 100 meter mark. This disadvantage is a direct result of the slavery we endured for centuries. Isn’t it fair that we are paid some form of compensation from the countries which have been made exceedingly wealthy because of the inhumane torture we had to endure, for them? To be taken from the comfort of our African homes, to suffer for their sake is a deep wound that may slowly heal, but the scar will always be quite obvious. A little compensation may assist in purchasing some garments just to cover the wound.

I stumbled across a very interesting song by the troubled, incarcerated dance hall artiste Vybes Kartel recently. The song is entitled “Reparation”. In the song he expressed his belief that as long as the scammers aren’t buying guns or supporting violence, then tricking people into handing over their money isn’t scamming, but it is reparation. You may listen here:

I understand the point he is trying to make here and without much thought it may appear logical. Unfortunately, lottery scamming has been associated with murders and the importation of guns. I have not seen where the country has in any way benefited from the scamming activities.

Jamaica has been making requests for reparations from the UK and an offer was made by the UK’s prime minister, David Cameron. The offer was to build and fund a prison in Jamaica. A prison! Not well needed funding for hospitals or schools, not island wide infrastructure development, a prison. What a spit in the face! Is it a place where they may store Jamaican prisoners who are living in the UK? So to sum this up a bit; in order to repay us for keeping us in captivity, they are going to build us a prison. I do hope the Jamaican government handles this with some amount of logical reasoning.

With that considered I refer once again to the Vybes Kartel song. It may seem fair to obtain money from the UK using unethical means. Slavery was wrong, so is scamming. Two wrongs won’t make a right. It is unfortunate that Vybes Kartel has so much influence over the young, uneducated, unemployed population, who may even venture into the world of scamming after hearing his song.

The scammers are talented people who I encourage to pursue a legal avenue to earn a living. Some have fairly good telephone etiquette and are computer literate. They can easily get the required qualifications to work at a marketing company or a customer care center. There are other options, the easy way out is seldom the best.

-Aldeam Facey 2015

The Use of English in Jamaica

English is the language of Jamaica. But while standard English is seldom used in informal conversations, it is clearly understood by the population. More frequently we use the Jamaican patois, our creole language which was conceived through a mix of Spanish and English. It is a significant part of our culture and is often used to socially classify the population. Our creole can be broken down into three groups: the basilectal creole – most contrasting to the standard English, to foreigners, it will sound like a totally different language. It is usually associated with the deep rural areas of Jamaica and it is not consistent across the country. Most frequently spoken at the western sections of the island. Acrolectal creole – closest to standard English, most frequently used by the ‘upper class’ citizens. Mesolectal creole – the average of basilectal and acrolectal creole, very frequently used in daily conversations by the average Jamaican.

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Example: If one were to ask “Whose is this?”

Basilectal: “A fufah dis?”

Mesolectal: “A Whofah dis” or “Whose dis?”

Acrolectal: “Whose is this?”

It is the presence of this vast variation in the language that makes English – the very easy subject – a challenge for many students. It also is a limitation to learning. If the language is not mastered at an early age, students may get left behind in the class room as teachers use acrolectal creole/standard English.

General Language Use

Standard English is used as much as possible in business places, banks, schools and often times churches. It is a good indicator of one’s level of education and mastery of the language becomes quite useful even internationally. It is very important to know when to use the variations of Jamaican English. If you go to the market, do NOT use standard English or you will pay the price for it. Also they may not clearly understand if you use jargons or different units (kg vs lbs).

The ‘H’ Displacement

Ave you hever noticed the BIG problem many of us have pronouncing the letter ‘h’? I tried convincing a group of persons recently that I’m actually a thug. But in my explanation my clear pronunciation of the ‘h’ in thug significantly reduced the credibility of my statements. It makes sense as a robber would not be taken seriously if he said ‘Let me have your purse’ versus ‘Yow oman gimmi dis’. The former statement may be greeted with some form of physical defence while the latter, with compliance. In Jamaica we throw the letter ‘h’ all hover the place. It is often placed where it shouldn’t be and removed where it is needed. With increased education comes decreased frequency of displacement. this issue is so bad, that I was complimented by my teacher in primary school for saying “thirty three” instead of the more frequently used “terty tree”.

We should be proud of our creole and make attempt to remove the stigma attached. English is the language of the country but the standard is not the most frequently used. If you are not able to speak standard English don’t be ashamed of using the creole. It is much more embarrassing to attempt to speak standard English when you can’t, than it is to speak creole.

– Aldeam Facey 2015

Blue Hole Review

I haven’t been in a lot of holes, and by no means do I consider myself a ‘holey’ man but of all the holes I’ve been in, it is now official, blue hole is my favorite hole. It may be wide and deep, but when I dived in – head first – I didn’t want to get out.

Blue Hole St Mary 6.8 (42)

At 30 feet deep I would never recommend jumping in without a life jacket, unless you are an EXTREMELY good swimmer!

Blue Hole St Mary 6.8 (10) Blue Hole St Mary 6.8 (7) Blue Hole St Mary 6.8 (11)Swinging and diving in is the dangerous, yet most fun feature of the “main hole”. There are also a few mini caves under the falls which are really cool!

Blue Hole St Mary 6.8 (9)Designated lifeguards are not available! The tour guides can swim and do offer assistance (primarily to females) but you are, for the most part on your own.

Blue Hole St Mary 6.8 (6)Blue Hole St Mary 6.8 (17)Blue Hole St Mary 6.8 (47)

Blue Hole St Mary 6.8 (23) Blue Hole St Mary 6.8 (37)There is a fun hike to the other falls. The water is not as deep here, approximately 15 and 20 feet respectively for the last two images.

Blue Hole St Mary 6.8 (48) Blue Hole St Mary 6.8 (51)The fun is found in the very real danger! YOLO?

Blue Hole St Mary 6.8 (57)The blue hole was more fun than I had expected. My suggestions for improvement however are:

  1. Increased safety – Paid lifeguards and more available life jackets. Life jackets are provided upon request with the $500 (JMD) entrance fee however they are in limited supply!
  2. What would make this more fun is a zip-line!

Remember to tip the tour guide for their service! That’s how they “eat a food”. My tour guide swam with my camera, otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to take most of these photos.

I give Blue Hole river and waterfalls 8/10 I highly recommend it!

– Aldeam Facey 2015

Jamaican Cornmeal Pudding Recipe

Cornmeal pudding is very easy to prepare and has been a favorite among Jamaicans for as long as I can remember.

Ingredients:

3 Cups Cornmeal

3/4 Cups Flour

2 Cups Sugar

1 Teaspoon Salt

2 Teaspoon Cinnamon Extract

1 Teaspoon Grated Nutmeg

1 Teaspoon Mixed Spice

2 Teaspoon Vanilla

1 Sachet of Maggie Coconut Milk

Raisins (optional)

Directions:

Mix the cornmeal, flour, sugar and salt together.

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Add water to mix the sachet of coconut milk then slowly add coconut milk to the dry ingredients (2 cups of water is needed)

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Add vanilla, mixed spice, cinnamon extract and grated nutmeg. Add raisins if desired then pour mixture into baking tin and bake at 375 degrees (F) for 1.5 hours.

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Allow it to cool for at least 1 hour before you devour.

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– Aldeam Facey 2015

“A Proper Backsiding” – Child Abuse Or a Cure For Disobedience?

A “backsiding” is a term often used, especially in rural Jamaica, to describe a spanking. This spanking is usually very thorough and is of an intensity proportional to the offense.
We Jamaicans are very angry people and a simple backsiding, where it involves the aluminum pot covers, barbed wires, chains, frying pans or ‘anyting di han can find’, may easily be classified as attempted murder.

“Aldeeeeam!”
“… Yes”
“Gwaan fi di belt an come”
“…. ”
” Mi seh gwaan fi di belt!”

A ‘sticky’ situation, a dilemma characterized by its complexity. Do I obey and accept my guaranteed, immediate reward or do I disobey and have my reward multiplied later? A tough decision I had to make as a child, a decision which became skewed in favor of immediate acceptance as time progressed.
I had a very interesting childhood, whenever I was sick with ‘disrespect’, Dr. Mommy would prescribe and administer ‘a propa backsiding’ or a ‘good buss ass’. It may sound violent, but I don’t believe I turned out too bad. Would the other techniques work? What if during my disrespect full phase my mother prescribed a time out? “Go to your room Aldeam” or “No TV” just to give me some time to think about what I’ve done. I laugh at the very thought. I personally don’t think that would work for a tough head like me, a very stubborn boy.
All the adults in my immediate and extended family turned out to be well disciplined persons, and all had been served a good dish of butt whooping.
Traditionally speaking a spanking was believed to cure the following childhood diseases:

  • Back talking
  • Teeth hissing
  • Disobeying
  • Unauthorized excursions
  • Child spoiling
  • Idling
  • Late home arrivals
  • Bad grades at school
  • Early pregnancy
  • Hard-a-hearing

And many more unpublished diseases.
Spanking ‘created’ the perfect child.

Modern society is moving towards a more passive approach to child corrections. Physically beating a child may result in a legal charge. Many, however, still hold the traditional beliefs that sparing the rod spoils the child.

What are your views? Share below.
Also share some of your experiences with physical corrections.

– Aldeam Facey 2015

Lyssons (UWI) Beach Review

Lyssons Beach is owned and operated by the University of the West Indies. It is located along the coast of St. Thomas across from St. Marguerite’s Hospital.

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Lovely landscapes.
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The beach stretches about 100 meters with light brown sand and a shore with almost no incline. There is usually a lifeguard on stand by. The water’s depth is not consistent and may get deep quite suddenly. At the time I visited there was even an old tire in the water!

It is okay for a south coast beach, one cannot expect much more in south west Jamaica. But a few additions (volley ball court, barrier or depth indicator in water) can improve the experience.

The cost to use the beach is listed below (subject to change at the discretion of the UWI).

Lyssons Cost - www.lifeofajamaican.wordpress.com

This beach is best used for events such as beach parties or a group retreat.

I give Lyssons Beach a rating of 5/10.

– Aldeam Facey 2015

UWI Examinations: An Invigilator’s point of view

I have been invigilating exams for a few years now and it has been a very interesting experience. When I was an undergraduate student I believed invigilators didn’t have much to do other than signing my receipts and ensuring I don’t cheat, but now, speaking from the point of view of an invigilator, I assure you it is a very tiring job.

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Our Purpose

So the first step is to have the exam room prepared. This involves placing receipts and other materials the students need on each desk. We then allow the students to enter the room at the appropriate time ensuring they are reminded of the items which are not allowed inside the exam center. This may be annoying for some, but every day students still attempt to enter with cell phones or various forms of paper (both not allowed). Sometimes physical searching is done as well. We then hand the question papers (which are all in sealed bags) to the students approximately five minutes before the start of the exam to allow them to look through and ensure they have the correct number of printed pages. When the exam starts we collect the receipts, sign and file the original copy. The carbon copies are returned to the students when the exam is finished. During the examination session we ensure students are comfortable while we constantly look for any irregular activities or possible cheating.

The Student’s Attitude

Almost every student wait until the last minute to enter the exam center, studying to the very last minute then rush in, having less time to relax and look through the paper. Some students don’t believe that Invigilators should search or ask them anything. This is particularly true for the law and medical students who tend to be very cranky during the exam season. Students also do not like being placed in a seat, this is especially true for the social sciences students as they want to sit where they chose, randomly. This will cause a lot of problems especially if we have a full room, without order the exam session will be chaotic. Students are seated based on arrival time and are only allowed to sit in one row (sitting from top to bottom) until it is filled, the row immediately beside it becomes available. Students should be aware that cooperation is the fastest way to get ahead as we are simply doing our jobs.


The Student’s Attire

There is no dress code for examinations and students make it so obvious that there isn’t. Most students don’t really care what they wear and that’s understandable given they may be up all night studying and have no time to get dressed. I don’t believe short dresses are appropriate for exams but that’s just me, last week there was a girl in a skirt so short, I’m sure I saw her sphincter ani externus.
When it comes to the hair I believe most students can honestly say ‘I woke up like this’. When you have to study , no time for a hair do.
But on the other hand there are well-groomed students! Well dressed young ladies with make up and a proper hair do. These are the persons who believe that if they are going to fail, then they are going to look good doing it.

Interesting Stories

Insane history

A few minutes after the start of an exam last semester a young lady doing a history course asked to use the bathroom. I accompanied her outside but noticed she was going in the wrong direction. I stopped her and she revealed her true intentions. She said she doesn’t know what to do on the paper and wants to go back to her car to study. I informed her that it is not allowed as she had already seen the question paper. She continued walking to her car while I tried to stop her. Thankfully a female security was nearby, I asked for her assistance but the student again lied saying she actually wants to use the bathroom. The security and I followed her but she whispered to me “I’m never coming out”. That would have been a real inconvenience so I informed the chief Invigilator, Dr. Hyslop. Many attempts were made to get her out of the bathroom but she would not budge. It took a while but she eventually came out telling us she is sick and needs to see the doctor, we offered to take her to the health center but she insisted on having her private doctor. We did not heed to that request. She then started crying saying her mom died. Of course we didn’t believe her. The security confidentially told me she believes the student was not totally sane. We all believed something was wrong with her. What scared me though was her threat. She slowly looked at me, the cause of her pain, and said. “Yuh betta nuh mek mi see you again or mi ago run yuh ova wid mi car!” I almost peed myself. After about an hour she was allowed to leave. I marked the color of her BMW, for my safety. She wrote nothing on the paper, surely she failed


The geographical cheater

A guy doing geography was cheating. He was successful, the exam was over. But when handing back his booklet the paper he brought into the exam (containing all the answers) fell to the ground, he had left it in the booklet! Thankfully the lecturer was there to see for himself. The student was written up, of course, he failed.

The missing page cheater

Last semester a few of us Invigilators saw a young man cheating, for verification, several of us watched as he copied the answer from a paper he brought into the exam. We told the chief and took the paper from him. He said he wrote the answer in the booklet and then tore it out but checking his booklet we found it was perfectly intact. We turned our backs a few seconds and he tried to tear a page out of his booklet to confirm his story. This irregularity was reported to examination section and of course he was allowed to make an attempt to defend himself. I did not hear the final result of his trial.

Exams are still in progress, if anything interesting happens I will update this post.

– Aldeam Facey 2015

Curried Snapper Fillet Recipe

I like fish but sometimes I find difficulty deciding the best method to cook a particular type of fish. Do I steam? Do I fry? Experience teaches wisdom and after several attempts, currying the snapper fillets is my favorite method.

Ingredient:

1 Pack of Rain Forest Foods Snapper Fillet

1 Teaspoon Maggie all purpose seasoning

1 Teaspoon Indian curry powder

1/2 Teaspoon Turmeric powder

A pinch of salt (optional)

1/2 Teaspoon Black pepper

2 Teaspoon Ketchup

2 Teaspoon Fish and meat sauce

1 Carrot

1 Onion

Scallion

Scotch bonnet pepper

Sweet pepper

Directions:

Cut the fish fillet into small cubes about 1.5 cm. Add the all purpose seasoning, the turmeric, black pepper, salt and curry powder. Mix to ensure even distribution of seasonings. Chop and add the carrot.

Cut Fish Fillet
Cut Fish Fillet
Seasoned Fish Fillet
Seasoned Fish Fillet

Chop onion, scallion, 1/4 of a sweet pepper and 1/4 Scotch bonnet pepper. Fry in oil until translucent.

Onion Scallion and pepper

Fry Until Translucent
Fry Until Translucent

Add the seasoned fish fillet, fry for 5 minutes, stirring constantly. Add 2/3 of a cup of water, the ketchup and the sauce.

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Allow it to simmer for 10 minutes.

Enjoy with some rice and peas.

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– Aldeam Facey 2015